The Awesomeness of Vampires from a Guy Who Knows What He's Talking About

Joe Garden, author of The New Vampire's Handbook and Onion editor, spoke with AMCtv.com about his opinion on vampires, the coolest, the baddest, the best and the ultimate ridiculousness of sparkling vampires. I think I've "met" my soul mate. I urge you to read the entire article. It won't take you long. But I'll reproduce the best part of it: Mr. Garden's top ten vampire deaths. Awesome!

Q: Can you share your Top Ten Vampire Deaths?

A: (WARNING: CHOCK FULL OF SPOILERS)

10. Sheriff Eben Oleson in 30 Days of Night -- With hours to go until sunrise, the Sheriff chooses to become a vampire to fight the hoard. When he defeats the leader, he faces the rising sun rather than to slip further into vampirism.

9. Dracula in Dracula Has Risen From the Grave -- A pointy cross sticks falls and sticks in the ground, and Dracula coincidentally falls onto that cross. And gasps. And struggles. And gurgles. Then he is prayed over for 40 seconds, whereupon he weeps tears of blood and expires.

8. Longshadow in True Blood -- Finally, after eight episodes, we see how vampires die. Turns out it's quite a sloppy process.

7. Sarah Roberts in The Hunger -- Once she realizes what she's become, the latest victim of vampire Miriam slits her own jugular with an ankh knife, setting off a chain of events in which all of Miriam's discarded lovers come back for revenge.

6. Homer in Near Dark -- The sight of the young boy/old vampire burning to death in the sunlight while running after the human girl he chose to make his bride is disturbing. Running and burning. Running and burning.

5. Prince Mamuwalde in Blacula -- With nothing to live for following the death of his beloved, the noble prince forces himself to walk up the stairs and into the sunlight, leaving behind a smoking, maggoty corpse.

4. Claudia in Interview With a Vampire -- As with Homer, it's unsettling to see the young-looking companion of Louis and Lestat burned to death by other vampires.

3. Max from The Lost Boys -- "One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach: All the damn vampires."

2. Amilyn in Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- Is this an homage to No. 9? Only Paul Rubens could make a hilariously protracted vampire death work like he did.

1. Count Orlok in Nosferatu -- The shot of Count Orolk fading into oblivion after being trapped in the morning sun is forever etched in my brain.