Why We Suck by Dr. Denis Leary

First published in 2008. (Warning: this book is nowhere near YA. We're talking, like, if YA were the East Coast, this book would be Pluto.)

Do you SUCK?

Would you like to not SUCK?

Do you know other people who SUCK?

Would you like to tell them how to SUCK less or how to possibly become totally SUCK-free?

Then buy this book, because inside Dr. Denis Leary is ready to help you overcome all the sucky things that make you such a suckass. Not to mention all the fat, loud, lazy and stupid suckholes you have to deal with at the office, family gatherings or while using public transportation.

Part memoir, part self-help tome but definitely a full-time funny assault on all the posers, politicians and pop culture icons who have sucked in public for far too long, this book is a call to arms for everyone who feels the way the good doctor does:

• Skinny jeans are for skinny people.
• Men will never change. Not even into clean underwear.
• If God didn't want us to eat meat, why did He make the cow so slow? (Ever eaten a cheetah-burger? Nope. And you never will.)

Buy this book and you will hopefully laugh out loud, call your mom a little more often and never vote for a member of the Bush family ever again.

At the very least, though, you'll have yourself a nice big twenty-six-dollar coaster to place your drink on while you watch TV. And isn't that reason alone to buy it? (book flap blurb)

If you don't know who Denis Leary is, Google him. Now. Watch him on YouTube from his No Cure for Cancer routine or his Lock and Load bit. Laugh your ass off. Now. I revere this man. He is my role model. My idol. My god. Probably the very reason I swear like a sailor and I agree with about 98% of what he has to say, from drugging your children to women taking the same damn physical test that men do to become a firefighter to Paris Hilton just fading away. And everything in between.

If you're an asshole, a shithead, Britney Spears, a Yankee fan (chagrin), a moron, a parent, female, Linday Lohan, a right wing conservative, a left wing liberal, Paris Hilton, Mormon, prude, sensitive, anti-drugs, the Kardashians, anti-alcohol, human, Dr. Phil or politically correct, this book is probably not for you because you'll get offended. Because you're humorless. And have your head shoved in various places including but not limited to: your vagina, your asshole and the Bill of Rights.

Dr. Leary goes into tirades about the non-existence of issues like Autism, the waste of space of Anna Nicole Smith and the concept of bullying and how they're good for everyone on either side. Especially if you snap and beat the shit out of the bully. Not to mention parental discipline. And drugging children. If you can't take what he has to say, put the book down now. Otherwise you'll just end up as fodder for his next stand-up routine that I will pay outrageous amounts of money to see.

I now give you an except from the chapter entitled, "Please Drug Your Children."

Now maybe it's the product names that are putting you off. Maybe it's the ny in NyQuil or the dryl in Benadryl. That's a pretty easy fix. Would you like it better if we called them LoveQuil and BenAsleep? Or even better maybe QuietQuil or PeaceQuil. Or just cut right to the chase and name them after what YOU have to gain from putting them into a parent-induced mini-coma: Sexadryl.

This book is probably as close to unedited as you can get. The punctuation and continuity are nine different levels of FUBAR. But it's Denis Leary. As far as I'm concerned, he can write 'fuck you' in puce crayon for 300 pages and I'd still buy it. This is the guy with the Asshole song after all.

So if you're easily offended and can't laugh at yourself, run away now. If you like to snort soda through your nose while reading/listening to a really smart guy tell you exactly how it is, then read this book. And buy all of his albums. And go to his shows. You're welcome.