A Field Guide to Monsters by Dave Elliott

First published in 2004.

All works of non-fiction these days claim to be the "definitive" this, the "essential" that, or the "ultimate" the other. This guide, however, truly is essential, for the information contained within these pages may well save your life. This ESSENTIAL, ULTIMATE, DEFINITIVE guide is the most comprehensive tome ever put together on the subject of monsters. Within these pages lie the secrets to many of the monsters that are still at large today. Whether you are a monster watcher or monster hunter, you will find these entries invaluable.

We cover their height, weight and other vital statistics: their origins, their habitats, their eating habits (watch out Tokyo), and even their breeding patterns (those that have them). We also cover the following:

Behavior: Through careful comparison you can find out if your next-door neighbor, schoolteacher, boss or even parent is truly what they seem.

Lethality: Discover which creatures are even more dangerous than secondhand smoke, non-saturated fats, and excess carbs.

Weaknesses: If you're going to protect yourself from the forces of evil you MUST know not only how to protect yourself, but how to send the forces of darkness back where they belong (and we're not talking train tickets here).

Powers: Who can do what to whom and how: The when's, the where's, the why's and the what with's. (book back blurb)

Gotta love them bargain bin finds. And you usually get these good ones right around Halloween. I love Barnes and Noble. I really do.

Aside from being heinously inaccurate (I mean, to say the guy mutilated the Lost Boys section is an understatement), it's actually a pretty funny read. I don't know if the mistakes were intentional or a result of an "I don't give a shit" attitude but the snarky comments partially made up for it. So the guy can't tell the difference between Medus and a Hydra. Is that any reason to mark it against him? O_o

Nevertheless, it's a good handbook to have if you ever decide to take on the forces of evil, or attempt to shave a werewolf's back. Knowing where just to poke them to have them on the ground in a fetal position is vital. I would highly recommend backup material though because, like I said, at times the author couldn't tell his ass from his elbow and I wonder if this guy is really working for the other side and intentionally trying to screw us all over. Bastard.

I think the author fed his editor to Godzilla or something too because damn. A ten-year-old wouldn't have missed some of the stylistic errors I found. Sheesh.