Thursday, February 5, 2009

A Word of Warning and Edward's Kindred Spirit

No, it's not Bella. But first the warning.

My next three reviews will be for Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse (I haven't read Breaking Dawn yet but it's haunting me in my TBR pile). They are, um, not flattering. If you've been reading my reviews, you know I don't hold very much back. Stephenie Meyer is no exception. And no, I'm not reading too deep into anything. Every book that I've reviewed has only been read once. Everything that I pick up is from a single pass and I don't go in thinking "how can I pick this apart?" I just don't have that kind of energy. Being a rabid reader didn't take me to this level. Immersing myself for years in writing and editing did. It's good and bad. Some of the joy in reading kind of faded but I can definitely still read for fun. I can pick up a lot off of a single pass. But two is when I start diving deeper. The Twilight books only got a single pass each so everything in the reviews is at first glance. I don't know anyone that can "read too deeply" into something off of a single reading, especially considering, statistically speaking, you're only capable of remembering 70% of what you see on a first look anyway.

So, needless to say, I didn't like them. I'll leave the reviews for more detailed reasons. I liked Alice, Jasper, Emmet, Rosalie, Carlisle, at times Esme (she wasn't really around much, was she?) and the Volturi. To an extent. They were good starts. Edward, Bella and Jacob, well, yeah. No.

I'm also not a fan of Stephenie Meyer either. I don't know her as a person but I've seen her interviews, read her responses and heard/read about how she composes herself as an author, especially as an author in the face of adversity and I have to say, I just don't like it. To not even acknowledge people asking legitimate questions about her work is just wrong (the infamous period question comes to mind, or how the laws of science seem to evade Forks and its surrounding areas, I know it's fantasy but even the rules within the fantasy need to make sense and remain consistent, there was also the petition that fans, fans, wanted to send Meyer asking for explanations on her writing which was blocked by her brother and then slandered as cruel, unthoughtful and a variety of other not nice words by him).

I could go on, but I won't. The Twilight series is an extraordinarily guilty pleasure (think 25 to life without the chance of parole, guilty) for me. I've never read a book where I so absolutely despised the main characters and read only for the instances of secondary characters. And I'm convinced the pages are laced with crack. It's the only way I can logically explain why I kept reading. But beyond that, I just didn't like it and I just really disagree with how Meyer holds herself in the author pool. I'll give her credit to the fact that she did something right with these books but I have no idea what it is. If she didn't do anything right, they would have flopped. That's only logical.

So consider yourself warned. Feel free to disagree with me intelligently but please don't be a Twihard (and I don't mean a fan of Twilight, I have nothing against Twilight fans,I mean the rabid Twichos that tear at their skin when they meet Rob Pattinson so they can bleed for him or the putzes that can't come up with any semi-intelligent means to defend the series other than with innane 'omg ur so jelus stefany miar is teh best ryter in teh world you so stoopid' or just downright nasty vitriol. Save it. I welcome discussion and even arguments, so long as they're done intelligently but I have an industrial strength fire extinguisher for the flamers.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Now onto the kindred spirit. I bet you're wondering who it is. Now, I don't know why the movie people made Rob Pattinson emulate this guy. I think they liked his ultra-fantastic cheekbones but I just don't know how smart the move actually was. It's eerie, though. As if Edward and his twin spirit were separated at birth. Perhaps Carlisle has more children than he's letting on. Or Edward's really a coal-miner's son that decided to stay out of the limelight. What do you think?

I mean, it's eerie, isn't it? And look, they even share the same expressions!


Now, aside from the fact that I so *heart* Photoshop, if you're a fan of Edward, you might think I'm being mean, especially with the good looking quote. I've heard people say there's more to Edward than looks but I'm still trying to figure out what. Is "stalker" a good quality? Anyway, just so you know I'm not making it up, here's Mr. Zoolander himself expressing that very line--

And you know James is Edward's arch nemesis, just as Hansel is to Derek. Perhaps this should have been Edward and James's final epic battle--

If you're still not getting the joke, for the love of god go rent Zoolander. No, just go buy it. It's probably on the $10 rack at Target. It'll be the best money you've ever spent. And just to keep the funny note going, a little *snerk* to send you off with--


Anonymous said...

LOLOL! Too funny!

Donna said...

It's bad when things make you snort!

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