Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Spine-Breaking Spawn by Stephenie "Pedophilia is teh Romance" Meyer

First published in 2008.

To be irrevocably in love with a vampire is both fantasy and nightmare woven into a dangerously heightened reality for Bella Swan. Pulled in one direction by her intense passion for Edward Cullen, and in another by her profound connection to werewolf Jacob Black, she has endured a tumultuous year of temptation, loss, and strife to reach the ultimate turning point. Her imminent choice to either join the dark but seductive world of immortals or pursue a fully human life has become the thread from which the fate of two tribes hangs.

Now that Bella has made her decision, a startling chain of unprecedented events is about to unfold with potentially devastating and unfathomable consequences. Just when the frayed strands of Bella's life--first discovered in
Twilight, then scattered and torn in New Moon and Eclipse--seem ready to heal and knit together, could they be destroyed . . . forever?


And then there was, um . . .


Please, someone tell my my brain wasn't the only one that went here for the spawn's birth--

If you couldn't tell already, I'm not going to be nice here. If you don't want to read me peeling the skin off of this disgusting piece of literature and frapee-ing it in a blender, navigate away now.

. . .

What the fuck is wrong with this woman? Seriously. What the fuck?

And I'm not talking about the writing. In all honestly, I thought it was slightly better than the other three. Slightly. Considering the other three were pure, unadulterated lessons in how not to write, that's not saying very much. She kept the word 'granite' to an unnoticeable minimum, as was 'russet.' Thank god. Because, in Meyer's world, there's no other way to describe such texture and color.

Yeah, I'm done with this "writers need to be nice to other writers" bullshit with this woman. She doesn't deserve it. Anyone that tries to shade over rampant pedophilia as romantic and loving is sick and doesn't deserve a modicum of respect. But I'll get back to that in a minute.

First let's talk about Bella and the epic fail of the mother she is. Sure, she's still insufferable as ever but considering she puts Edtard over her own daughter, she's shit. Jacob let's her hold Renesmee. WTF? Let? She's your fucking daughter, whoretard. There's no let. And just the notion that she keeps spewing about not being able to live without Edward, that if he died, she'd kill herself to be with him . . . maybe she should have aborted when she had the chance because she's obviously way too self-involved in her own feelings to have a daughter. If that's how you feel, don't have children because you're too childish to have them. When you sprout spawns, they become your first priority. Not your husband, not you. Your children. You do anything you can possibly do to save them and that does not include putting them into the hands of baby fuckers and following your lover on a suicide roller coaster ride. To say that is horrible parenting is being way too nice. But, it's good in Meyerworld.

Then there's the massive deux ex machina that is Bella. Oh she comes in to save the day at the blue balls ending. How anticlimatic that was. I've heard about it since it came out but damn, that was horrible. And not only is she a walking talking DEM, she's the ultimate Mary Sue, as if we didn't know that already. But per amazing perfection and vampire aptitude, as commented by everyone with eyes, including herself, multiple times, is a testament to the Sueism. Yak. Masturbatory work if I ever saw it.

Then there are the more technical aspects, like being in Jacob's head yet Meyer couldn't seem to get out of Bella's. I highly doubt Jacob would have noticed Edward's skin as granite. What did I say before about a thesaurus? No one listens to me. Bella kept peaking through Jacob's voice, thus proving that Meyer doesn't know her characters enough to shift from one to another. Or her writing just isn't good enough. Or both.

Then there's chagrin, which I'm convinced Meyer doesn't know how to use properly in a sentence, as evidenced in her writing. And irrevocably. Just stop it. Find some different words already.

There's also the massive character shifts that went on throughout, like Alice up and leaving and bringing back a deux ex machina piece of evidence to save the day or Rosalie all of a sudden liking Bella. As if her mortal enemy doing something she couldn't wouldn't make her more resentful, right? And Edward lying flat on his back so Bella can walk all over him, along with every other character in the book bending to Bella's will. Self-serving much?

At least Meyer acknowledged the fact that Jacob & Co. weren't actually werewolves but shape shifters even though Jacob was all like, "Dude, I'm so, like werewolf, and junk." Now if she could just come to terms with the fact that the glittering pixies in her books aren't actually vampires, the world might be a slightly better place.

Now I think it's time to go back to that pedophilia thing. Yeah. Fucking sickness. What the fuck was she thinking attempting to make this a feasible romantic plotline? A man of legal age of consent in all fifty states imprints/falls in love with/finds his soulmate in a newborn . . . O_o Then there's his friend with the three year old. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

And all the Twihards will say, but he's like a big brother or an uncle and will take care of her until she's old enough where they can take their relationship to the next level." Mkay. Yeah, because what I want to do when I get all growed up is fuck my uncle. So it's pedophilia with a side of incest now, is it? There is absolutely no way anyone can explain this to me to make it be anything other than pedophilia. None. Why? Because the intent of Jacob's relationship with Loch Ness and his friend with that toddler is to tap that sweet, sweet baby ass in order to further the werewolf line. They said it themselves. The purpose of imprinting is to ensure the survival of the Quileute lineage. That involves fucking. Grown men. And children. NAMBLA's having a field day with this (and I will not link that sick site, if you want to know what it is, Google it yourself and keep a vomit bucket handy).

The definition of pedophilia--
  • sexual desire in an adult for a child
  • The act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children
  • a sexual attraction to children
  • from Gk. pais (gen. paidos) "child" + philos "loving."
  • sexual perversion in which children are the preferred sexual object
So tell me how that DOESN'T pertain to Jacob and his buddy there in any shape or form and I'll not think their sick relationships pedophilic. I am so thoroughly disgusted by this book and Meyer herself. It was bad enough to blanket a controlling, manipulative stalker as the ultimate romantic boyfriend but to shade pedophilia under the romance shroud? For shame. It makes me want to light this book on fire, literally, and watch it burn a slow death. It's only deserving. What could have possessed her to think this was a good idea to write is beyond me.

To be slightly fair, I'm of the understanding that the concept of imprinting comes from a Mormon belief in being thusly attracted to your soul mate. That's all well and good and really cute when a couple of six-year-olds or ten-year-olds do it but an adult and a child is just illegal and renders Jacob at the bottom of the butt-fucking prison totem pole.

I've read better Suethor fanfiction than this. And at least that's fanfiction. It gets buried in with the rest of it and if you don't want to find it, you won't. But this . . . this is Ebola escaped into the world that's making our insides liquefy. You couldn't escape this monstrosity if you tried. This is literary masturbation of a whole different variety. The author isn't spooging her literary prowess on the page. *snerk* She's spooging herself in her ultimate fantasy all over the place for everyone to see while at the same time promoting abusive relationships and pedophilia. Yeah. Awesome.

This book is leaving my house tomorrow. I can deal with the first three. They're not so bad to read and can actually be somewhat enjoyable if I beat my brain into submission. But my home needs to be exorcised of this evil. It's not worth the paper it's printed on. Before, I could somewhat understand the appeal of Edward and Bella and their whining but now, after this last one, it doesn't surprise me that even prior diehard fans are going, WTF?

Fuck this. Meyer owes me bites.


prophecygirl said...

I have been waiting for your review of this for a good while, and now it's finaly here - yey! Unfortunately, I have to get to bed (1.30am here), but I will be back to read it tomorrow. :D

Stormy said...

And all the Twihards will say, but he's like a big brother or an uncle and will take care of her until she's old enough where they can take their relationship to the next level.SMeyer is messed in the head, we all know this, it's accepted fact, even RPattison has said as much, and with great gusto.

The problem then lies, not with the author, but all the fans that back her up. It's one thing for *one* deluded person to have this opinion, but to have masses of fanatic followers defending the's about time to get the nukes out.

There's already enough girls that are after a "perfect" (abusive, manipulative) boyfriend, and it's right to fsck up their lives, masochism with a side of not knowing any better...but to give them the idea that...that...THIS is somehow romantic, she's crossed a line.

The imprinting thing is sick. Full stop. And seriously, burn the book, or puree it (though that may damage the blender), if you just dump it, or give it to a charity, there's the chance that someone else may read it, and that's the last thing the world needs.

Jen said...

Sometimes I find the fan fiction scarier than the book. Although I find B&E's relationship the most disturbing!

Jen said...

Oh, also you've been splashed! Come get your award!

Liyana said...

I used to actually like Jacob as he seemed the most normal out of the bunch of them. And then she came up with this idea for the fourth book?

Sadako said...

This sounds super creepy. Nice to find someone else hating on the Twilight!

Donna (Bites) said...

Yeah, I just can't even pretend to like this series. It makes me twitch.

Unknown said...

OMG i remember that in spaceballs i love that movie it's so ridiculous, love mel brooks :)

good to know someone out there who's not crazy over twilight--that whole deal was just blown waaay out of proportion, i mean i think the books are okay but i'm not gonna go crazy thinking they are the best books ever and yatayata

Jen said...

This makes me think that terrible fanfiction might be parodies ^_^

Donna (Bites) said...

Way out of proportion is right!

Some of them are, Jen! Those are the good ones.

prophecygirl said...

Glittering pixies... LOL! I'm a HUGE Twilight fan, and I had a lot of problems with this book. Renesmee being the main one. Then perfect vampire Bella and emasculated Edward.

And don't even get me started on the anticlimactic ending. OMG. I wanted to throw my book through the window.

I think I'm quite happy to think of The Twilight Saga as 3 books. They're my favourites!

Donna (Bites) said...

You rock, PG!

Jen said...

Yup, Twilight is the My Immortal of literature

Laura @ A Jane of All Reads said...

Now some people would argue that when a book is as bad as this, you should put it down and not waste your time reading it further. I am of the opinion that when a book is as bad as this, you should pay closer attention, read it thoroughly so that when you finally arrive at the ending you have a much greater appreciation for things you only thought you hated.

This book will make you love the smell of four day old, baked in the sun, stuck to the asphalt road kill. It'll make you appreciate being pissed on by a homeless dude. After reading this book you'll have a new found respect for genital herpes.

Meyer didn't simply write a bad book. She wrote the opposite of all that is goodness and light in the world. She sucked out the fire from the sun, took the world that would have shriveled to darkness and rot because of it and housed it in Breaking Dawn so that we might continue to enjoy our days on earth.

She's a saint that woman. We owe her our very existence.

sinn said...

Man, this comment is coming really late! I just found your blog, so that's my excuse ^_~

It is nice to find someone who was not completely enchanted and enthralled with Meyer's series. I had several friends tell me that I would love the books due to my like of vampires. In addition, I was taking a young adult fiction class at my university, so I decided to pick it up. To say I was grossly disappointed is an understatement.

After finishing the series, I heard that Meyer wrote the books to prove that teenagers can wait until marriage to have sex. I think it is rally admirable of her to take on that task; however, her alternative is no better. "Sleeping" with Bella knowing that her father would disapprove is just as bad. In addition, Edward goes on about protecting her virtue, coming from a different, era, etc., but he fails to prove that. If he is going to make a big deal about it, why does he go against Charlie's wishes, does almost everything but intercourse, etc.? Furthermore, Meyer writes Edward as a classic abuser: controlling Bella's movements, stalking, not allowing her to see Jacob, and so on.

If this series is meant to show teenage girls another option, why is a relationship with an abuser okay? Also, going against parents' wishes is bad all the way around (be it sex, sneaking out, etc.). Teen girls are worth more than that!

I agree that Breaking Dawn was written a lot better than the 3 previous books. However, it was needlessly too long. It felt as though it drug too much.

As far as Jacob, I agree and disagree with the pedophilia. I felt that Meyer wrote herself into a corner concerning Jacob and Bella's relationship. It seemed as though the only way she could justify Bella's cocktease behavior was having Jacob imprint on the baby. Also, pedophilia implies more of a sexual fascination, to me. My husband wanted to know what the difference was between the imprinting an an arranged marriage between an infant and an adult.

My beef was with the whole pregnancy to begin with. If Meyer had just left it was something weird anomaly, okay. However, her reasoning was stupid! Did she ever have to take biology and sex education? Arg!

LoL, anyways, it's nice to know there are some people out there who were not completely taken by this series!

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