Monday, May 9, 2011

I Am Number Four by "Pittacus Lore"

Published August 17, 2010.

We may be walking past you right now.

We are watching as you read this.

We may be in your city, your town.

We are living anonymously.

We are waiting for the day when we will find each other.

We will make our last stand together. If we win, we are saved, and you are saved as well. (book back blurb)

DNF with a big fat woof. I wanted to go Hulk on this thing 10 pages in but what kind of chance would I be giving it if I didn't give it a little more than that? It was really hard for me to get past the terrible writing. It was even harder for me to get past the cliche orgy writhing on the pages. I had nominally higher hopes for this one because a lot of people said it was good, or at least enjoyed it. A bunch of them said the writing left something to be desired but how bad could it be, right?


I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to be pounded with the same exact information three times within the first five pages. I didn't expect it to read like a sterile, fluffed up movie script. I didn't expect it to be the basest, mediocre form of writing I've yet to find in a book. SMeyer's work was better than this. Yeah, what does that say? At least she purpled up her prose a little. This? This was a sickened gray.

The story was nominally interesting but slogging through cliche after cliche after cliche proved futile for me. The thing is, I don't have a problem with cliches. Use them to your heart's content. But for god's sake dress them up a little. Make them stand out. Make them different. This one didn't even try. From the Chosen One Syndrome to the Mr. Miagi father figure to the geeky sidekick to the uber-jocks at school to the super awesome popular girl at school that's totally down to earth, I just couldn't take it anymore.

The writing was devoid of emotion. I felt nothing for the characters. It had some okay world building but the focus of the story was so off. It couldn't decide if it wanted to focus on the characters, the plot, or the super cool powers and medallions and stuff that they had. Product marketing much? Let me rephrase that - it knew it didn't want to focus on the plot.

And all that's irrespective of Frey taint.

With it? I wanted to light the book on fire. Frey, you disgusting human being, if this is what you think defines "the next big thing" in the book world, if this is how you plan on making your bajillions of dollars all the while raping naive writers of everything they have, dear god I hope you meet Karma face to face with a big, fat, capital FUCK YOU. This is disgusting. This is insulting. What made you think you had it all figured out? What made you think you found something the other publishing houses and agents didn't? What made you think horseshit like this is what's going to bring in the dough? I know you're not looking for prestige or legitimacy. You're looking for money. Plain and simple. You won't deny it. Well, look for it somewhere else. Go insult another medium of buyers. YA is shit on enough without you thinking you can butt fuck it to get it to say uncle.

Atrocious. From what I hear the movie is pretty decent but I sure won't be seeing it. And all I can say is thank god I didn't pay for my copy of I Am Number Four. Remind me to avoid any of Full Fathom Five's future releases as if they were carrying Ebola. The last thing we need to do is encourage trash cans like Frey from spilling their filth over.
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