For those that can't stand the *&^^)%#$ sparkling anymore

Or those with a sense of humor.


Thank god. Something to escape to. Have they done this in SNL yet? Because I need some good clips. I think I've watched all of the spoof trailers there are. At this point, I just want to cry at the depths this franchise has rapelled to. What with them making "werewolf"!Jacob into a fluffy fuzzy that wants his squeaky toy, I'm just waiting for the stick figures in the fourth movie. The big "fight" scene is just going to be a bunch of life-sized cardboard cutouts on strings. Seriously, you can't crank the movies out this fast and have the quality be up to snuff. There's a reason why HP comes out roughly every year and a half. They don't want them to suck the underside of a donkey too much.

But yay to Stephen Jenner for taking it upon himself to openly mock the Twilight franchise in fully published book form. I'm hoping he makes mention of the Blue Steel bandaids and "Smell Like Edward's Blood Breath" perfume complete in a copyright-infringed bottle from Hot Topic. Or the Christmas stockings . . . key chains . . . t-shirts . . . candy . . .

And OMG, he named the place Sporks. Ha! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Are there black silhouetted heads at the bottom of every page too? Please oh please?

Have an except -

I continued to scan the Sullens’ table for another available stud and quickly found one who was nearly as hot as Casper. Again I queried Maria, this time about the youngest Sullen boy, trying to hide my newly-formed schoolgirl crush on him.

“The boy over there, with the perfect face, nose, eyes, and lips…and chiseled chin, broad shoulders, strapping chest and tree trunk arms…and that V-shaped torso, thin waist and muscular legs like that of an Olympic cyclist. And perfectly manicured finger and toenails. Who is he, and what’s his story?”

“Oh, that’s Edweird,” she said, rolling her eyes as if they were the seven and ten pins teetering and deciding whether to fall down or not. “He’s dreamy. But he doesn’t date. Apparently, even the best looking girls in the school are not good enough for him. Rumor has it that he’s only interested in five foot four, average looking dark haired girls who only recently moved to Sporks from a hot climate state beginning with the letter “A.” Go find someone who fits that description!” Maria dejectedly shook her head, the contents of her shot glass riding up and spilling over the sides. She leaned down close to the table, shot out her pink tongue and lapped up the droplets.

I now turned my full attention to Edweird. Edweird looked as though he was transplanted to Sporks from the pages of Greek mythology. He was tall, with long, lean muscles, perfect angular features, and boyish good looks -- remarkably like the boy who played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies, but with spiky hair. That’s all I’m going to tell you about Edweird now, but don’t you worry: I’ll be describing his perfection from this point on every chance I get in four -- count ‘em, four -- amazingly long (and expensive) books.

Shameless. Absolutely shameless. I'll take twelve