Thursday, January 6, 2011

My Cousin is a Sadist and Other Idiosyncrasies

You know, I don't like Twilight. Read my reviews of the series to find out the details of my reasonings but I think I make it pretty clear. But I have my cousin to thank for introducing me to those literary abortions because she had them first. Then her mom borrowed them. Then my mom borrowed them. And, well, since they were in my house, I might as well see what all the fuss was about, right?



After I recovered, she dragged me to the movies to share in the pain that was epic constipation faces at super close-ups followed by really spinny screens. The spinny screens probably wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't sitting so close. But god, I was like in the movie and not in a good way. Soon after that particular foray was Christmas and thus began the Twilight one-up. Who could get the other the worse of the Twilight gifts.

She started it with the movie picture companion book, t-shirt and keychain. I followed with the second movie picture companion book, craptastic Jacob crap and a parody book for balance. I couldn't, in good conscience, give all that pain without easing it a little. And it went from there.

This year, though, try as I might, I couldn't really find anything good. Of course, as I was from the beginning, I was on the lookout for a life-sized cardboard cutout of one of the characters because, you know, walking into her house with that thing all done up would have been epic. But I hadn't been able to find one. And this year was scant on Twilight shit anyway since the movie and the holidays didn't coincide.

But trust my cousin, the evil human being she is, to find the Twilight shite like the guided sparkle-seeking missile she is. Here I am, going to the likes of Hot Topic and Barnes and Noble, for they never failed me before, until now. She? She goes to iParty and there, laying upon the isle like a feather mecca off the west coast of Brazil, Twiheaven. Or hell, depending on who you are. Oh thanks to iParty you can have a whole Twiparty, complete with being able to eat off of Edward's face. But what did she find that I could never? What did she get to first and bestow upon me like herpes in a whore house?


That's right. It's life-sized, it's constipated and it's guaranteed to scare the shit out of anyone that walks into your house. It's so horrifying, even my dog wanted to kill it.



So where does this monstrosity stay? Face to the wall in the recesses of my closet, otherwise I might have nightmares.

But you know, I was thinking, in order to make it more palatable, maybe I should dress it up a little. But I'm not sure how. That's where's you guys come in. You all need to give me some ideas about how this bitch could be prettied up. A wig? Clown make-up? A tutu? All three? Help me de-sparkle-lax my apartment. The form below will guide you through the dressing process. From the suggestions I get, I will chose the best suggestion per body part and throw them all together like a jigsaw puzzle from hell. What do you get for participating? Peace of mind that at least a little, tiny piece of Edward has been stamped out forever. And you'll get to see the end result.

Help me help you help me. Just help.

10 comments:

Jessi E. (The Elliott Review) said...

I think this video could easily go viral....

Melissa (Books and Things) said...

ROFL! This is funny. Great post!! Can't wait to see what happens to it.

Of course I'm squeeing because you have a minpin and I wanted one in the same color as my dobe so I'd have my big dog and his mini me. :D Sorry, know that is off topic, but had to say. ;)

Steph said...

giving this some thought... and laughing my ass off!

Life After Jane said...

This is fabulous.

Somewhere there is a picture of me dressed as Carlisle posing with the life-sized Edward cut-out. I make regular payments to the blackmailer to keep it from surfacing.

BTW, I have it on good authority that he folds neatly in half for easy storage. Not that I would know.

Cleverly Inked said...

This is the funniest post I have read in a long time.

Donna said...

Haha! If I end up on The Today Show because my dog is barking at a cardboard Edwad, I'm going to cry.

Missie said...

OMFG! That video is brilliant! I can't even breathe! Poor puppy.

Julie @ Knitting and Sundries said...

This is laugh-out-loud hilarious! Poor pup!

Book Sake said...

Laughing so hard at the video others had to come see what was going on.

Aleksandra said...

Hahaha, so funny!!!

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