Thursday, July 9, 2009

Alphas by Lisi Harrison + Contest!

Pub Date - August 25, 2009.

Welcome to Alpha Academy, the super-exclusive, ultra-tricked out institute created to groom the next generation of world class dancers, writers, musicians, and inventors. It's a dream come true for one hundred lucky girls. But competition breeds excellence, and one wrong move will get you sent home at any time, for any reason. What happens when the country's best, brightest, and hawtest begin clawing and scratching their way to the top? (book back blurb)

BEWARE OF SWEARS!!!

I am now officially dumber for having read this epic fail of a book. Seriously, what the fuck is the draw? Yeah, this doesn't render WTF? It needs the full on WHAT THE FUCK??? The vapid, pea-brained little girls are as shallow as dried puddles with nothing more going for them than good feet and great ideas. Yeah sweethearts, feet can break and ideas are dimes a dozen. What happens then? I'm not a fan of targeting talent like that to being with. Everyone needs a contingency plan because, like Murphy said, anything can happen and environments like this don't offer that. Weight gain is forbidden at Alpha Academy. Seriously? Well you're in deep shit if you're a dancer and gain more muscle . . .

It's just so . . . implausible. For a book that's somewhat supposed to be grounded in reality, I just couldn't suspend my disbelief for most of it. Yes, I understand that there are child prodigies everywhere but these girls are so unfocused it was hard to believe that they've made the achievements they have being as flaky and flighty and boy-crazy as they are.

The only girl with a nominally compelling story was Charlie. She actually seemed to be a raw talent, she's down to earth and pretty normal. Not to mention she doesn't talk like a massive airhead tool. Bonus points in my book. The situation she's in sucks ass. It really does. And the woman controlling the entire situation, plus the Academy, is a complete cunt. There's just no other word for it. And chicks are supposed to want to be her? Why? Because she's successful? Superficially, sure, but her life's as empty as many of these girls' heads because of it. Apparently that's supposed to be a worthwhile venture. How encouraging . . . O_o

And what the FUCK is with the hyphenated verbs? Giggle-sniffed? Lip-kiss (this one REALLY pissed me off because that dumb-twat Skye kept saying it, what other kind of kissing are you trying to differentiate from, sweetie? and it was used REPEATEDLY)? There's one involving a pillow, pillow-sniffed or something like that. I think my brain's officially blocked them out because I can't seem to find all of them but reading it, it's like they're on every fucking page. It's so goddamn annoying I wanted to cry.

The language is just trying so hard to be hip and up-to-date and fashionable it's revolting. You know, when I was a teen, we got by just fine on reading books that didn't sound like a sub-par Clueless spin-off. Is sounding as dumb as these girls do in this book actually fashionable? Is this ear-bleeding slang-type-speak the next Valley Girl? Honestly, I can tolerate Valley Girl better than I can handle this crap.

And the worst part about it (OK, who am I kidding, they're all worst parts) was the ending. You know how Pirates of the Caribbean 2 ended? You know they filmed movies two and three together and the end of two looked like someone took a set of scissors to the reel and blindly cut? That's what the end of this book was. A shameless shill to buy the next one because where it ends has you wondering what's going to happen next. And it's not like a Harry Potter ending where the story within the book is rounded out and leaves only a few pieces hanging so that you're satisfied enough until the next book comes out? Not this one. It's like Harrison wrote one giant manuscript and randomly pointed to a spot in the book as an ending point for this first one, chopping it up like that. Ugh.

Really, what a waste. I just don't get the appeal. I really don't.



CONTEST TIME!

Yeah, I know my review isn't exactly encouraging to want to read the book but there has to be someone out there that wants my ARC, right? Please? I'll make it really simple for you. Just comment with an email and you're entered. I'll even open this one up to the planet. International people, come on and enter. Please. You have until July 30th.

Please. Someone's got to take it . . . I'm begging you . . .

ETA 7/22/09--Uh, yeah, please be aware that bombarding my comments section will not get you any closer to the book and it's one entry per person. The winner will be chosen by a random number generator.

39 comments:

Jenna said...

I'll take it! I can't help wanting it, I'm a complete book whore. It's a disease and addiction. And, Ugh, I hated the end of PotC 2 (I actually didn't like much of that movie at all).

jennapomme@yahoo.com

Debs Desk said...

I would love a chance to read Alphas. Please count me in.
thanks
Debbie
debdesk9(at)verizon.net

Steph Su said...

Hahaha, that's why it's called the "Fear Itself!" challenge. :) Hang in there, girl. Read something better now, to take a break.

Hillary said...

Lol, I loved your review!
I only want it for the cute cover. And I'm sure I'll hate Lisi Harrison books more thoroughly after reading one!

Hillary
booklovergal12@hotmail.com

Donna said...

:) The things I do for books. I tell you . . .

Melissa said...

Books like these are my HUGE guilty pleasure, so please count me in. :]
Hope it’s okay to enter as I live in the U.K.

melissatwinn617@hotmail.com

barbrafl said...

haha, this book is so made of fail that I want to read it now. That's hysterical, the best review I've ever read. I think my best review had something along the lines of "if this author wastes her time writing another novel in this series instead of spending her time learning HOW to write, that will be the second worst mistake, besides publishing this one." Yeah, cruel, I know :)

barbrafl737 (at) yahoo (dot) com

spamwarrior said...

oh my gosh. I don't want the book, but I wanted to comment anyway. I don't much care for this kind of fiction. "Lip-kiss?" "Sniffle-hug?" wow.

bigwords88 said...

Best. Review. Ever.

I was working up the courage to tear into a few books for reviewing, but I had a niggling doubt. I was worried that saying someone's prose was crap would hurt their feelings. No longer.

You have shown me the light... :)

I Heart Monster said...

LOL, Don't want it, but had to say, woah. Must be total suckage if you are dumber for reading it!

Donna said...

:)

Lenore said...

Wow! This sounds like one that Steph might like...to rip apart.

Bianca said...

Enter me in. :P

infinitemusic19 at gmail dot com

tetewa said...

I'd like to give it a try! tWarner419@aol.com

katie said...

I still want to read it. Maybe I will like it a little more than you did.

katieb206@gmail.com

Allison said...

Hahahaha! This review made me laugh so hard :)

But seriously... I want the book. Even after reading that.
Enter me, please :)

-Allison
love-adelaide(at)live(dot)com

Lauren said...

Awesome review!! lol. I think after I get the chance to read this I'll probably agree with most of what your saying. Anyway, please enter me!

laurenscrammedbookshelf@gmail.com

adriennelizbth08 said...

Your review was very funny and brutally honest haha!
~Adrienne
adrienne2093(at)comcast(dot)com

Erica said...

I would love to get a chance to enter :)


Erica
thebookcellar@wi.rr.com

Lea said...

Lol, I'll enter! I have a friend that loves Lisi Harrison books...

clovergirl0317(at)gmail(dot)com

Melinda said...

Lol,I love your clique books they are aww-mazing. I'll enter.


mkroeni1@gibraltar.k12.wi.us

austenfan said...

Well, despite it being obviously hmm bad (?), since you made it international, please count me in on the contest! :)

issa[dot]mojica[at]gmail[dot]com

SerieslyReady said...

I love The Clique. Don't see why there's a reason I shouldn't love Alphas.

coopermoon@hotmail.com

PS If I don't love it, be sure I'll tell everyone.

omgitsoml14 said...

I want this book soooo bad. I've read the whole Clique series and have been waiting for this book forever. I would do anything for this book! Please pick me!!

omgitsoml14@aim.com

tony said...

plz plz plz plz can i have this book i've read the clique and it sounds sooooooo good plz i NEED it
thnx

anniemcc06@gmail.com

Olivia said...

I would do anything for this book! Please let me have it. I promise I will take good care of it. I really want this book. I'd give up my cat for it! Please please!!!!!!!! I'll do anything!

Olivia said...

Oh yeah, my email is omgitsoml14@aim.com

maria jose said...

please enter me (:

mjgonza1995@hotmail.com

Olivia said...

PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU, I WANT THIS BOOK SO BAD! THAT'S WHY I'VE COMMENTED ABOUT 5 TIMES! PLEASEEE PICK ME! PLEASEEE!

speckldharted22 said...

enter me please!!!

speckldharted22 at aim dot com

I Heart Book Gossip said...

Please count me in.

cindyc725 at gmail dot com

McCall said...

Enter me please.

readingismyantidrug(at)gmail(dot)com

Ninja Fanpire said...

ninjafanpire@hotmail.com

melinda said...

I luh-ved the clique books and they all are aww-mazing. please let me read alphas.


mkroeni1@gibraltar.k12.wi.us

Paradox said...

Enter me please!

paradoxrevealed (at) aim (dot) com

Park Avenue Princess said...

Thank you for hosting this contest! I'd LOVE a chance to win! Please enter me. I'm last...I'm sure that isn't lucky with a random generator...lol

Stop by my blog as well! We love new people and comments! (We're also holding a contest!

xoxo AMY (Park-Avenue Princess)

IAmHiMaintenance(at)aol(dot)com

OliviaMarieXD said...

When do we find out who won?

Michh said...

I am reading that book and its awesome u suck!

Donna said...

Ahahahahahahahahaha! Michh, you anonynerd, you, your lack of grammar skills tickles my brain.

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