Wednesday, March 25, 2009

8 Things Modern Vampires Could Learn from 'The Lost Boys'

With all this talk lately about ‘Twilight’ and My Chemical Romance walking around all “wah wah wah cry cry cry,” kids these days probably think vampires are whiny douchebags. But if you’re my age, you learned everything you needed to know about vampires two decades ago from ‘The Lost Boys,’ a film in which vampires are a cross between the Goonies and ‘Ride the Lightning’-era Metallica. Consider school officially in session, kids. Here’s what you should really know about vampires.

And before you ask, yes, that IS Jack Bauer.

No, I didn't write this, unfortunately. This masterpiece of an article is brought to you by the masterminds of Cracked. For those of us that have been rabid vampire fans since long before Stephenie Meyer even had the brain fart idea for Edward and his vapid little Bella, we're kind of ripping our hair out here. Every vampire I've come across lately I've just wanted to do nothing more than shove his whiny ass in a tanning bed and lock it shut. Seriously, if your life were that bad, skip the Coppertone and go to the beach already instead of inflicting your eternal simpering on everyone you come in contact with.

Now, before we get to the article, let me just outline the very few carnal requirements of a vampire. Considering the lore can change so drastically, there's no use going with crosses and holy water or even sunlight sensitivity. Bram Stoker's Dracula was fully capable of walking around in the daytime. But there are a few--

  • Fangs - Lets just think of this logically, ok? What are your incisors for, historically speaking? Ripping meat off the bone. With these little rubbed down nubs of teeth we have, you're not going to be able to puncture something and keep your clothes clean, are you? No. You're going to end up tearing it apart like Jeffrey Dahmer at Thanksgiving. Just from an evolutionary perspective, fangs are a must for vampires. The ONLY vampires that don't have fangs that can escape this requirement, the vampires of Near Dark. Why? Because they have Sevren and he's a bitch-ass motherfucker. See example. Those things in Twilight? Not vampires. Fairies. Fey. Just because people have a blood fetish doesn't make them vampires, mkay?
  • Drinks Human Blood - Again, we're going back to evolution here, ok? Vampires do not have the luxury of Whole Foods and mineral supplements. A vampire's survival is based on his or her consumption of human blood. Human blood contains all the vital components for a vampire's survival. Animal blood does not. As Lestat once said, feeding from rats will keep you alive, but it's not sustenance. By nature humans are omnivores; we eat both meat and vegetables. To become vegetarian or vegan is to counter nature and thus revolt against natural design and 1) ingest food that the body can't handle and 2) deprive the body of what it requires by nature. Vampires are the same way. Have a chicken or a terrier every now and then but your main sustenance must be human blood. It is a vampire's nature. (That's not to say vegetarians or vegans are somehow inhuman, but for argument's sake, I'm using the reference in terms of going against natural and biological order, which is what abstaining from meat is doing.)
  • Be Evil - Ok, the very foundation of a vampire is a reanimated corpse possessed by an evil spirit or demon. Yeah, pretty much a zombie. Not to schmexy, is it? But a vampire is, by nature, an abomination of religion, a defiance of whatever god may exist, created despite His or Her will. Vampires are, in essence, inhuman. Sure they may look and act like a human, but what's at the very core, what pushes them forward, is inherently evil since they, you know DIED before they became vampires. They're not called the Undead for nothing, people. Once a vampire, they are no longer human and thus to emit human emotions like love would negate their very existence. That doesn't mean I don't like me some vampire romance, but that's beside the point. Let me put it this way, would you fall in love with a cow? OMG, NO!, right? Then why would a vampire fall in love with a human? Same difference. Both creatures are capable of emoting, only one in the two party relationship is human, and one serves as a major food source for the other. We are the cattle of the vampire world. I'm sure the cows think us damn evil for how much we slaughter them. Consider vampires just higher up on the food chain than us.
Ok, that's pretty much it. Everything else is up for interpretation. But those are pretty much the defining characteristics of a vampire. Take those three elements out and you have something closer to a Fey than a vampire, which is what Twilight is. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig, right?

I'll give you the vampire fact number one since I think it's the best out of all of them. To get the full effect, you must read the article for it comes with movie clip action. Tough to beat, I tell you.

Vampire Fact #1 - They listen to awesome music.

Most people think vampires spend all their time listening to Bauhaus and The Cure, but think about that for a second: If you’re going to live forever, do you really want to spend all of your time smoking cloves and letting Peter Murphy bum you out? What are you going to do? Slit your wrists and sit there watching them instantly heal over and over again for a few centuries? Yeah, great - sounds like a blast.

While it’s true that many vampires prefer to brood in the shadows, wearing black eye makeup and writing lame poetry about Autumn, there are just as many who prefer rocking out to the smooth stylings (and outrageous stage antics!) of famed saxophonist Tim Cappello. When you’re blessed with eternal youth you have two options: sit around and whine about it, or go out and PAR-TAY.

Read the rest of the facts here.


Anonymous said...

An excellent article. No whiny vamps for me.

Steph Su said...

lol. Reminded me of Near Dark. What a weird-ass movie, but strangely good at the same time. Nice article.

Lenore Appelhans said...

Awesome! Off to read the whole article.

Donna (Bites) said...


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