Kiss Me Deadly edited by Trisha Telep + Giveaway!

Published August 3rd, 2010.

Author website.

For those who thirst for accounts of paranormal romance, Trisha Telep has compiled some of the most thrilling takes of forbidden love in this collection. First crushes and last rites; dark spells and bright magic; forbidden lovers and enchanted beings -- and always, always the hungry games of desire. Pucker up for a darkly sweet collection of ghosts, shape shifters, fairies, unicorns, vampires, and demons in tales from today's biggest writers of the paranormal persuasion. (goodreads.com)

I came at this one with two minds. KISS ME DEADLY has been sitting on my review shelf for far too long and I remember when I initially took it on it sounded really interesting and just dark enough that I thought I would enjoy it. When I picked it up to read a few weeks ago, I asked myself, "what the hell was I thinking?" PNR? ME? Do I know me right now? I try to stay as far away from PNR as I can right now. I don't do romance as a default, PNR especially because not only does it not interest me but the stuff I've come across . . . not good. But I said I'd review it so I read it. And loved it.

SHUT UP!

Small doses, people. Small doses. I think that's what really does it. Each story is at most 50 to 60 pages long so there isn't time enough to dwell on the romance. It's shit or get off the pot territory and there were really only a couple that I was less than thrilled with. The rest I was like "Yeah!" Now don't expect me to run out and start gobbling PNR. Not going to happen. But KISS ME DEADLY was a good foray into the genre for someone like me that would rather run away screaming. Telep did an excellent job of compiling a variety of stories that focused on all aspects of paranormal love, from the sweet to the sinister, the light to the dark. There is literally something for everyone and more than one of the stories got this book blogger's black heart beating again.

Here are my thoughts on each individual story -

THE ASSASSIN'S APPRENTICE by Michelle Zink - I think this might have been the precursor to A TEMPTATION OF ANGELS that just released this month. The time period for the story was maybe a day so it's more of an insta-love that I really try to veer away from. It was okay but like AToA it didn't really blow me away.

ERRANT by Diana Peterfeund - aka I need to read more Diana Peterfreund. Nasty unicorns and the warrior virgins that hunt them. Yes. Dementing more classical creatures. Yes. There wasn't anything not good about this one.

THE SPIRIT JAR by Karen Mahoney - An excellent premise but had me questioning why the MC was a vampire because it wasn't really relevant to the story. It was all about the boy's love to his dead girlfriend which was actually really sweet. It was refreshing.

LOST by Justine Musk - A great retelling of Persephone and Hades just with a choice. Brings in reincarnation and opening doorways to other worlds. The love aspect was kind of weird but not off-putting. Just an odd set-up.

THE SPY WHO NEVER GREW UP by Sarah Rees Brennan - This one was more about demented love and, of course, this demented chick really liked it. Granted I found Peter wholly annoying but the twist Brennan gave on Peter Pan darkened it enough for me to get invested.

DUNGEONS OF LANGEAIS by Becca Fitzpatrick - I didn't really get the context because it's a HUSH, HUSH story but removed from that, it's another demented love tale that brought me in. I couldn't help but think of whore complex, though, when it came to the MC's lover so that kind of tampered it. Neat premise despite some awkward elements but it was dark enough for me to like.

BEHIND THE RED DOOR by Caitlin Kittredge - This one was my absolutely favorite. Screw PNR. It was totally YA horror and showed succubus love for what it really was (not literally, no succubus in this one). It was dark and scary with the right amount of light at the end. I need to read more Caitlin Kittredge.

HARE MOON by Carrie Ryan - A FoHaT story, it's context was much easier to grab as the world was more familiar to me. The best part was the religious brainwashing and what can happen when one strays off the path. Yeah it can be read as love being a downfall and that is partly it. But I think it goes beyond that, maybe even a little bit of a satire, a comment on it all. I liked the ending especially.

FAMILIAR by Michelle Rowan - This one was sweet but a little too sickly sweet for me. It was cutesy in the sense that this is the type of PNR I stay away from. They're super hooked on each other at the end and kind of just had me going, "yup, moving on."

FEARLESS by Rachel Vincent - Another awesome one. Again super dark, a girl who needs to feed on people's fears to survive gets to know what it feels like on the other side of the wall. Boyfriend rescuing going on but I was okay with it. It rounded out the strength of the story nicely.

VERMILLION by Daniel Marks - A story from the other side, Purgatory, it was kind of odd but not necessarily in a bad way. There were confusing elements about it that all ended up being part of the greater plot. And I liked the Hulk-Smash ending. The crazy things people do for love!

THE HOUNDS OF ULSTER by Maggie Stiefvater - The first piece I've read by her where the character actually sounds like what I'd think the character sounds like instead of her writing the character in her own author voice. I have to say, I enjoyed it. Of course it's faeire-centric but I was just so floored that the MC sounded genuine that I didn't want to stop reading. I may have the courage to tap into her later books. Maybe.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS by Daniel Waters - I wasn't a GENERATION DEAD fan (far too preachy) but this was a good snippet into the world. Told from the POV of a girl's father so it was a nice departure from the rest. It really hit me because it's about the love of a father for his daughter and I'm totally a daddy's girl. So yeah, I liked it.

Overall an excellent selection. Even if you're not a PNR fan (Hi! Have you met me???) I still think you'd find something you liked in KISS ME DEADLY. The stories are just so varied and come at the topic from so many angles that if you don't find at least one you like you might just be dead on the inside.

Ban Factor: High - Teen love, sex and the paranormal? Need I explain that one?

Giveaway time!!!

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Halo by Alexandra Adornetto

Published September 2010.

Three angels are sent down to bring good to the world: Gabriel, the warrior; Ivy, the healer; and Bethany, a teenager girl who is the least experienced of the trio. But she is the most human, and when she is romantically drawn to a mortal boy, the angels fear she will not be strong enough to save anyone - especially herself - from the Dark Forces.

Is love a great-enough power against evil? (book back blurb)

DNF with a big, fat, capital RETCH. When I first got this book I thought it sounded really interesting and not too long after the ARCs were distributed rave reviews were coming out about it. Great! Then the article came out that made modern women's ovaries die. And then the revelation came that this novel is a TWILIGHT fanfiction heavily influenced by TWILIGHT. Add in Christian moralizing and 1950's gender roles and I let it slide for a while. Until now.

Oh I have not had a lulz novel like this probably since TWILIGHT. I so wanted to read all the way through so I could enjoy the lulz to the fullest extent. Alas, I could not. I'm not a fan of drowning in excessive and needless description. I'm also pretty rankled that Gabriel, THE archangel, has been reduced to cooking mushroom risotto. How Adnornetto survived this smiting, I have no idea. If she'd been fucking with Supernatural's Gabriel, she'd spend the rest of her life in a herpes commercial.

There were just far too many inconsistencies for my liking. Like that Bethany (WTF kind of angel name is that anyway?) knowing next to nothing about humans but she sure had a knack for spotting fashion. I wouldn't think she'd know what cashmere or a Peter Pan collar was. And don't forget Bethany mooing about how plain, average, boring, etc. she was. We mustn't ever forget that. Because it's repeated constantly. Right, TWILIGHT? Wait, what book was I reading?

One of the biggest kickers in the mere 100 pages that I read was the angels of Light being sent down to Earth to save people from the Agents of Darkness . . . in a very white, rich, cozy beach town. OMG THE HORROR!!!! How will they ever accomplish their mission? SAVE WHITEY! Save the white prep school! For serious, did God have nowhere else to send them or was this the place where you send the "special" kids to make them feel like they're contributing?

Other gems worth mentioning: the angels' last name is Church (you're fucking kidding me), Bethany needs to be saved by Xavier when she's drunk (just cut off her effing wings now), Bethany is a fallen angel without actually falling (sorry, you don't get to say fuck it to your mission from god for RPattz hair and turquoise eyes and get to remain in his grace, I'm not even fucking baptized and I know that), Molly (the Babylonian whore, apparently) was already chastised by the super pure Xavier for leading Bethany astray, Gabriel admits to them being human and making mistakes (uh . . . wha . . .?). Imagine what I would find if I read more than 100 pages.

What a self-serving, moralizing, preaching pile of horsefunk this is. Why was this not published with a Christian publisher? Because it's obviously trying to force a message down the readers' throat. Alexandra, maybe you feel your place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen with your man to protect you but don't try to teach the human race moral lessons through thinly disguised self-insert fiction. I feel bad for this girl. She's so young and already she's reaching Jerry Falwell levels of douchery. I don't appreciate being told how horrible I am for the things I do with a hypocritical vag of an angel character that would SOONER LOSE HER GOD'S GRACE THAN LOSE THE EYE OF THE HOT CAPTAIN BOY. And Molly's the immoral, demon-possessed slut.

Holy shit balls. I'd recommend this book to the young Ann Coulters of the world that believe Christianity is the all-encompassing shit and women are merely things to be controlled by the menfolk. This is TWILIGHT on steroids. It's quite frankly insulting to be preached to by a hypocrite.

To keep my tangent in check I'm going to end this here but I will leave you with some lulz-worthy quotes that made me go -

It seemed from my reading of literature that being in love meant becoming the beloved's entire world. The rest of the universe paled into insignificance compared to the lovers. When they were separated, each fell into a melancholy state, and when they were reunited their hearts started beating again. Only when they were together could they really see the colors of the world. When they were apart, that color leeched away, leaving everything a hazy gray. (pg 12 ARC)

I think the medical world would refer to that as the unhealthy obsession of one suffering from bipolar disorder.

It had been decided that a school would be a useful place to begin our work of countering the emissaries of darkness, given it was full of young people whose values were still evolving. (pg 21 ARC)

Read: influential teenage brains are easier to manipulate.

I'd listened in on the prayers of teenage girls and most of them centered on being accepted by the "popular" crowd and finding a boyfriend who played on the rugby team. (pg 27 ARC)

Fan of pigeonholes, are we?

We had predicted that our arrival was bound to make an impression but we hadn't counted on people stopping to openly gawk at us, or stepping aside as though they were being visited by royalty., (pg 29 ARC)

Modesty's an over-rated human trait anyway.

I was starting to get a sense of the extent of the damage done by the Agents of Darkness and it wasn't looking good. (pg 35 ARC, in response to an uptick in robberies, freak accidents and the flu)

Oh noes! Not teh sniffles!

That was going to be a problem during games seeing as we angels didn't have a navel - just smooth white skin, freckle and indentation free. (pg 42 ARC)

Can someone let the neo-Nazis know that the Aryan nation has relocated to Heaven? Thanks.

"They all seem lost to me," Gabe said. "I wonder if any of them really know what life is all about. I didn't realize we'd be starting from scratch. This is going to be harder than I thought." He fell silent and we all were reminded of the epic task we had ahead of us. (pg 48 ARC, in response to the normal actions of teenage girls seeing a good-looking guy)

Don't stress yourself out. We all know how horrible teenage girls can be. Maybe that option of going to Africa to deal with those silly mercenaries might have been a little easier.

The proverb that Cleanliness is next to Godliness couldn't have been more accurate. (pg 77 ARC, in response to Molly's messy locker).

Are you fucking kidding me?

We thought of technology as a sort of corrupting influence, promoting antisocial behavior and detracting from family values. (pg 101 ARC)

I hope you don't break your neck falling off of that high horse of yours.

Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side by Beth Fantaskey

First published in 2009.

Enter a bizarre new exchange student named Lucius Vladescu who claims Jessica is a Romanian vampire princess by birth and he's her long-lost fiance. He's arrogant, officious, embarrassingly overprotective, and, well, incredibly hot.

Armed with a copy of Growing Up Undead: A Teen Vampire's Guide to Dating, Health and Emotions, Jessica tries to imagine the transition from an average American teenager to a glam European vampire princess. But just when things start to heat up with Lucius, a devious cheerleader sets her sights on him.

Soon Jess finds herself fighting to win back her wayward prince, stop a global vampire war - and save Lucius's soul from eternal damnation. All of which leaves her to wonder: Wouldn't life be easier if she could just fall for a nice mortal boy? (book flap blurb)

Go read. Nao. Nao. Why are you still reading? Go buy. Nao. Dammit, you're still here? Nao? I guess I better do the review then, huh?

Ok, so the first editorial review I read of this book was on bn.com and it's a Kirkus review. The first sentence states, "Populated with thoroughly flat characters, this vampire romance, despite charming moments, makes Twilight look like a feminist handbook." To which I go, O_o. Huh? To further discredit the review, the reviewer (who is anonymous) goes on to reference Lucius as Lucien and states a female vampire must be bitten at puberty in order to be turned into a vampire. Um, no. It's Lucius and it's 18. Here's a hint to all you reviewers out there: if you're going to give a review, especially a bad one, and want to maintain your credibility, you might want to get the book's facts straight. The review also puts the book for ages 12 to 14. Wha? So yeah, Jessica would so trample Stella Crow with her horse, Belle. I kept trying to find any kind of substantiating evidence that would somehow spit on feminism in this book and while it had it's moments, to say it made Twilight look like a feminist handbook is going so far out of the way to insult that you're going to need to reprogram your GPS to find your way back.

Jessica is a very logic-minded girl, almost to the point of being pig-headed. If it exists in her real world, then it's fine by her. When Lucius shows up, he kind of dashes her logic right out of the mythical window. And damn is he funny doing it! The short insights into Lucius's head with his letters are absolutely hilarious. Oh how he mocks lentils! He's so snotty and arrogant and he just doesn't quite know what to do with himself now that he finds himself on a vegan farm. Other than protect Jessica from high school assholes. Which she abhors him doing and is sincere about it too.

It gets to a point where it's maddeningly frustrating for Jessica not to admit to herself what's going on until she finally starts to and then everything starts to slip away. There definitely is a "too late" moment going on that only drove me further and faster to keep reading to see what the resolution would be. I think the dynamic that was built up, though, between Jessica, Lucius and Faith, has happened to all of us at one point or another. Someone pursues us, we kind of go "eh" although there could be potential but when we finally get to coming around, that interest has moved on and we're left going, "um, hello?" It's infuriating to read it happen, especially who it's happening with.

Yes, there are some similarities to Twilight. What I saw? The couple of times that Jessica claims she loves Lucius deeply and doesn't want to live with the pain of losing him. Yeah, that's also a Romeo and Juliet thing too, not to mention a slew of other romance reads but considering Twilight's popularity, and the book's vampire/human romance, the comparison was bound to be made. But that's pretty much where the similarities stop. Hate to break it to the Twihards but Stephenie Meyer didn't invent the star cross'd vampire lovers. Hard pill to swallow, I know, but a pill nonetheless.

Where Bella is a weak, simpering little turd that excelled at nothing, didn't have a self of her own and could only stand on her own two feet with the support of Edward, Jessica was very much her own person with her own ideals, her own thoughts and lo! We were in her head the whole time and and lo! Minimal complaining! And it wasn't anywhere near insufferable! She also didn't comment on how hot Lucius was every freaking nanosecond. Yay! Jessica had her own life, was capable of functioning on her own, had goals. Did that all kind of crumble? To an extent, yeah. Here she thought she was this normal girl until this arrogant schmuck guy shows up and tells her she's a vampire princess that's destined to marry him in order to end a centuries-long vampire war. After getting over the absolute insanity of that and realizing it's real, how would your life shape after that? Especially if you started to fall in love with said cranky Romanian guy? Love does funny things to your head but she didn't push anyone away. People pushed her away because of the rumors that were spread about her. She didn't want to be alone. She was miserable to be alone. She wanted Mindy and Jake back in her life but they wouldn't go near her because of ignorance. And then there's Lucius. To say the shit hit the fan towards the end of this book is an understatement. That senior year really did suck. Badly.

The only injustice I saw in this book was the title. It's probably one of the most unfitting titles I've ever seen in a book. And the emphasis on the vampire dating guide. It was mentioned a handful of times, most of them in passing. It certainly wasn't central to the book but from all the blurbs, you'd think it was. Jessica's Guide to Staking Senior Year would have been a better, and more pertinent, title. I'm not really sure what the aim was there but it just doesn't fit with the story.

All in all, an absolutely amazing book and I'm so glad I went nutball over it when I saw the review on Publisher's Weekly back in January. Smart I was to listen to my gut! Fantaskey has an amazing knack for being able to propel the reader from one end of the book to the other in a compelling, intricate and well-written story. This is what a turmoil-ridden teen vampire romance should read like. There's depth, individuality and realism all mixed into this fantasy world. Jessica is real. Her reactions are believable. Her actions are believable and her emotions can be felt through the pages. I laughed out loud, my eyes watered and I just didn't want it to end.

But it did. Rather abruptly. Please tell me there's going to be a sequel. Beth? A little help?

Spine-Breaking Spawn by Stephenie "Pedophilia is teh Romance" Meyer

First published in 2008.

To be irrevocably in love with a vampire is both fantasy and nightmare woven into a dangerously heightened reality for Bella Swan. Pulled in one direction by her intense passion for Edward Cullen, and in another by her profound connection to werewolf Jacob Black, she has endured a tumultuous year of temptation, loss, and strife to reach the ultimate turning point. Her imminent choice to either join the dark but seductive world of immortals or pursue a fully human life has become the thread from which the fate of two tribes hangs.

Now that Bella has made her decision, a startling chain of unprecedented events is about to unfold with potentially devastating and unfathomable consequences. Just when the frayed strands of Bella's life--first discovered in Twilight, then scattered and torn in New Moon and Eclipse--seem ready to heal and knit together, could they be destroyed . . . forever?

O_o

And then there was, um . . .

O_o

Please, someone tell my my brain wasn't the only one that went here for the spawn's birth--


If you couldn't tell already, I'm not going to be nice here. If you don't want to read me peeling the skin off of this disgusting piece of literature and frapee-ing it in a blender, navigate away now.

. . .

What the fuck is wrong with this woman? Seriously. What the fuck?

And I'm not talking about the writing. In all honestly, I thought it was slightly better than the other three. Slightly. Considering the other three were pure, unadulterated lessons in how not to write, that's not saying very much. She kept the word 'granite' to an unnoticeable minimum, as was 'russet.' Thank god. Because, in Meyer's world, there's no other way to describe such texture and color.

Yeah, I'm done with this "writers need to be nice to other writers" bullshit with this woman. She doesn't deserve it. Anyone that tries to shade over rampant pedophilia as romantic and loving is sick and doesn't deserve a modicum of respect. But I'll get back to that in a minute.

First let's talk about Bella and the epic fail of the mother she is. Sure, she's still insufferable as ever but considering she puts Edtard over her own daughter, she's shit. Jacob let's her hold Renesmee. WTF? Let? She's your fucking daughter, whoretard. There's no let. And just the notion that she keeps spewing about not being able to live without Edward, that if he died, she'd kill herself to be with him . . . maybe she should have aborted when she had the chance because she's obviously way too self-involved in her own feelings to have a daughter. If that's how you feel, don't have children because you're too childish to have them. When you sprout spawns, they become your first priority. Not your husband, not you. Your children. You do anything you can possibly do to save them and that does not include putting them into the hands of baby fuckers and following your lover on a suicide roller coaster ride. To say that is horrible parenting is being way too nice. But, it's good in Meyerworld.

Then there's the massive deux ex machina that is Bella. Oh she comes in to save the day at the blue balls ending. How anticlimatic that was. I've heard about it since it came out but damn, that was horrible. And not only is she a walking talking DEM, she's the ultimate Mary Sue, as if we didn't know that already. But per amazing perfection and vampire aptitude, as commented by everyone with eyes, including herself, multiple times, is a testament to the Sueism. Yak. Masturbatory work if I ever saw it.

Then there are the more technical aspects, like being in Jacob's head yet Meyer couldn't seem to get out of Bella's. I highly doubt Jacob would have noticed Edward's skin as granite. What did I say before about a thesaurus? No one listens to me. Bella kept peaking through Jacob's voice, thus proving that Meyer doesn't know her characters enough to shift from one to another. Or her writing just isn't good enough. Or both.

Then there's chagrin, which I'm convinced Meyer doesn't know how to use properly in a sentence, as evidenced in her writing. And irrevocably. Just stop it. Find some different words already.

There's also the massive character shifts that went on throughout, like Alice up and leaving and bringing back a deux ex machina piece of evidence to save the day or Rosalie all of a sudden liking Bella. As if her mortal enemy doing something she couldn't wouldn't make her more resentful, right? And Edward lying flat on his back so Bella can walk all over him, along with every other character in the book bending to Bella's will. Self-serving much?

At least Meyer acknowledged the fact that Jacob & Co. weren't actually werewolves but shape shifters even though Jacob was all like, "Dude, I'm so, like werewolf, and junk." Now if she could just come to terms with the fact that the glittering pixies in her books aren't actually vampires, the world might be a slightly better place.

Now I think it's time to go back to that pedophilia thing. Yeah. Fucking sickness. What the fuck was she thinking attempting to make this a feasible romantic plotline? A man of legal age of consent in all fifty states imprints/falls in love with/finds his soulmate in a newborn . . . O_o Then there's his friend with the three year old. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

And all the Twihards will say, but he's like a big brother or an uncle and will take care of her until she's old enough where they can take their relationship to the next level." Mkay. Yeah, because what I want to do when I get all growed up is fuck my uncle. So it's pedophilia with a side of incest now, is it? There is absolutely no way anyone can explain this to me to make it be anything other than pedophilia. None. Why? Because the intent of Jacob's relationship with Loch Ness and his friend with that toddler is to tap that sweet, sweet baby ass in order to further the werewolf line. They said it themselves. The purpose of imprinting is to ensure the survival of the Quileute lineage. That involves fucking. Grown men. And children. NAMBLA's having a field day with this (and I will not link that sick site, if you want to know what it is, Google it yourself and keep a vomit bucket handy).

The definition of pedophilia--

• sexual desire in an adult for a child
• The act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children
• a sexual attraction to children
• from Gk. pais (gen. paidos) "child" + philos "loving."
• sexual perversion in which children are the preferred sexual object

So tell me how that DOESN'T pertain to Jacob and his buddy there in any shape or form and I'll not think their sick relationships pedophilic. I am so thoroughly disgusted by this book and Meyer herself. It was bad enough to blanket a controlling, manipulative stalker as the ultimate romantic boyfriend but to shade pedophilia under the romance shroud? For shame. It makes me want to light this book on fire, literally, and watch it burn a slow death. It's only deserving. What could have possessed her to think this was a good idea to write is beyond me.

To be slightly fair, I'm of the understanding that the concept of imprinting comes from a Mormon belief in being thusly attracted to your soul mate. That's all well and good and really cute when a couple of six-year-olds or ten-year-olds do it but an adult and a child is just illegal and renders Jacob at the bottom of the butt-fucking prison totem pole.

I've read better Suethor fanfiction than this. And at least that's fanfiction. It gets buried in with the rest of it and if you don't want to find it, you won't. But this . . . this is Ebola escaped into the world that's making our insides liquefy. You couldn't escape this monstrosity if you tried. This is literary masturbation of a whole different variety. The author isn't spooging her literary prowess on the page. *snerk* She's spooging herself in her ultimate fantasy all over the place for everyone to see while at the same time promoting abusive relationships and pedophilia. Yeah. Awesome.

This book is leaving my house tomorrow. I can deal with the first three. They're not so bad to read and can actually be somewhat enjoyable if I beat my brain into submission. But my home needs to be exorcised of this evil. It's not worth the paper it's printed on. Before, I could somewhat understand the appeal of Edward and Bella and their whining but now, after this last one, it doesn't surprise me that even prior diehard fans are going, WTF?

Fuck this. Meyer owes me bites.

Thanks for boosting paranormal romance, Twilight

Not that that's a bad thing but I'm not a fan of what it's egging on, or what's the egger. USA Today points out that because of Meyer's books, there's been a surge in teen paranormal romance manuscripts that publishers are seeing. And because editors want to get in on this cash cow, they'll snag up something like Twilight, but different. Something with more drama, maybe. Or taking place at an academy. Giving Gossip Girl fangs.

The truth of the matter is, and know this, what you see on the shelves is a solid year, upwards of two, behind what editors and publishers are buying now. Go ahead and try to sell a paranormal romance now. I dare you. Unless it's something so exceptionally different and fantasmagorically insanely written, it's not going to get bought. The market's saturated with this kind of book so, and this is grounded in absolutely nothing but my own logic, the only authors that are going to bank on this kind of upheaval are those with series already out. The House of Night series, The Vampire Diaries, Vampire Kisses. I know I'm missing some. Wait a year or two, when what's being bought now cycles out and see how the market changes.

Now, you probably think I'm just, yet again, ranking on Twilight. Well, kind of. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of it getting credit it doesn't deserve. I'm getting sick of the unwarranted comparisons to JK Rowling that's being made of Stephenie Meyer. The two aren't even in the same universe. I'm sick of the Twihards giving Meyer credit for inventing the vampire, the love triangle, the I Heart Humanity vampire, books, the ya genre, vampire stories in general and how everything, in some fashion or another, is a rip off of Twilight.

I'm. Sick. Of. It.

Yeah, thanks for getting more kids to read. Nevermind JK Rowling actually single-handedly revolutionized the young adult genre with Harry Potter (which has been statistically proven) and for which had she not done it, something like Twilight probably would have never seen the light of day. But for all Twilight's worth, perhaps those readers should just stick to fanfiction. A fair amount of it is better quality (which is saying something) and it has all of the same melodrama as the published stuff but for free online.

And the irony is here I am bitching about it, drawing more attention to it and wasting my time. An even bigger irony, I've deemed Spine-Breaking Spawn next up on my to-be-read list. Why? Because I don't want it looking at me from my TBR pile anymore and I have other, more worthwhile vampire stories to read, like Mari Mancusi's Blood Coven series and Beth Fantaskey's Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side, plus The Vampires Promise series by Caroline B. Cooney, Vampire Beach (although I don't know how good this one is) and Parliament of Blood. Not to mention a couple of vampire compilation books, Vampire Stories from New England and Vampire Stories from the classicists like Bram Stoker, DH Lawrence and Anne Rice (although the last can be questioned). Spine-Breaking Spawn is the NyQuil I have to swallow and the rest is the tub of icing I use to wash the green death taste out of my mouth. Prepare yourself for the review on that one, what with Edward giving a whole new meaning to the term "eating out" and all.

You know, it wouldn't be so bad if the mania around Twilight weren't so psychotic. The actors in the Harry Potter movies don't get death threats from diehard fans that they'll be killed if they screw up the characters. Fans of Draco Malfoy don't scratch at their necks when they see the kid that plays him because their reality synapses has failed. I've said it before. These books are decent fluff. If you want to shut your brain down and take a couple hours and pile through them, you'll be entertained. I was. But this is just ridiculous.

So yeah. Just let me sit here and bitch and moan every once in a while as I pray to whatever sadistic god that may be listening to ease the pain a little sooner. Until then I have things like this and this.

Dark Side of the Moon by Sherrilyn Kenyon

First published in 2006.

Susan Michaels was once the hottest reporter on the Beltway Beat until a major scandal ruined her life and left her writing stories about alien babies and Elvis sightings. Life as she once knew it was over, or so she thinks, but then she gets a lead on a story that could salvage her extinct career. She heads to the local animal shelter, expecting a hot news tips, which she gets in the form of a major police cover-up . . . for a ring of soul-sucking vampires out to take over Seattle. So much for saving her credibility.

And if that isn't bad enough, she gets talked into adopting a cat and finds she's allergic to it. A cat that turns out to be a shapeshifter who claims to be an immortal vampire slayer on the prowl for the same corrupt cops. Her first thought: seek professional help.

But as Susan's drawn into Ravyn's dark and dangerous world, she comes to realize that there's a lot more at stake than just her defunct career. Now it's no longer a question of bringing the truth to her readers; it's a matter of saving their very lives and souls.

Ravyn's life was shattered over four hundred years ago, when he mistakenly trusted the wrong human with the truth of his existence. He lost his family, his honor and his life. Now, in order to save the people of Seattle, he's forced to confront the nightmare all over again, and to trust another woman with the secret that could destroy him.

In the world of Dark-Hunters, life is always dangerous. But never more so than now, when a very human woman can shatter their entire world with just one story. The only question is . . . will she? (book flap blurb)

That blurb is an excellent indicator of just what this book is. Dead horse flogging and all.

First and foremost, I had no idea I was picking up a paranormal romance novel when I snagged this from the bargain shelf at Barnes and Noble. I had heard of the author in passing but not enough to associate her to any one genre or anything like that. I just thought the book sounded interesting and it was five bucks, hardcover, so I said what the hell.

Lo and behold, all I need is the first description of a man the MC finds attractive to tell me there’s going to be some central-plot loving going on later. And the thing is, I don’t read romances. I’m sure there are some good ones out there but aside from the fact that they normally don’t interest me, this book just solidified the notion in me that I can’t stand them.

I’m sure there are much better romances out there, much better romance writers (dear god, I hope so) with realistic plotlines but picking up something like this just makes me question why my mom loves these kinds of books. She’s a Nora Roberts addict.

I can handle the romance, I really can. I don’t mind the sex. Trust me. I really don’t mind. What I can't stand is when the author relies on every freakin’ romance cliche in the book to get her point across. Again, I don’t read romance and for me to be rolling my eyes at large chunks of this text is saying something.

I almost wanted to dig the story except, right from the get-go, I wanted to punch the MC, Susan, in the face. I couldn’t stand her. Her very existence on the page felt contrived, like the writer wrote her how she wanted her written, not how the character actually wanted to be written. I think it was pretty obvious that the author was looking for a spunky, feisty little thing that could hold her own against some nasty beasties. Yawn.

And why the hell does she give laundry lists of what people are wearing? Can she describe character no other way? And why is the first thing the MC sees in a person, any person, despite the circumstances, is their looks and how good looking they are? Why? And why is everyone so good looking? I don’t know about you but if a cat turned into a naked man in my living room, I’d be thinking ‘Kill it!’ not ‘could I tingle his dingle without him noticing?’ Realism people. Say it with me now. Realism. And I’m not talking about the cat thing.

And then there’s the insufferable name Rayvn. It’s bad enough to have a female character named Raven. How emo. I’m sure she wears way too much eyeliner to boot. But to have the male love interest and secondary main character be named Rayvn, I wanted to slit his wrists for him. Why? For the love of god, why? Rayvn? That’s like spelling vampire with a y. Just take a fork and scrape it against a plate, why don’t you?

And the song dropping. It only happened twice in the book (I'm almost positive) but when they walked through the club, Susan always noticed the song and was sure to name it in her head. I can't remember the song names but one was by Nelly and the other was by Black Eyed Peas. It held absolutely no relevance to anything and was completely random, even in passing, yet they were still there. They still baffle me.

Aside from the fact that the plot was more forced than a toddler in a beauty pageant, the sex scenes were “OMG deep” (in between sneezes, that was the depth) and that I could see the whole mate thing from the second it was mentioned somewhere in the first quarter of the book even though it didn’t happen until the second to last chapter, it was the Uber God Redundant of Redundancies that was the kicker. If I had to hear about how shunned of a reporter Susan was, how alone she was, how alone Rayvn was, any of their histories or how Susan’s heart ached, cranked, squeezed or any other number of squishies her heart could do for someone, I was going to rip my hair out. Really, where was this woman’s editor?

I would say this novel defied every rule of writing I’ve learned but saying ‘defied’ can a lot of the times mean something good came out as a result. This was not good. So I will use violate. This book violated, and violently so, every piece of education on writing I’ve received in my writing history. Every single one of them. From the redundancies to all tell, no show to cookie-cutter characters with “flaws” as thick as gossamer to the inability to tell a cohesive story without wandering back into massive info-dumping mid-plot which half the time was redundant information.

Now I know this is a book in a series. According to Amazon it’s book number 10. For the love of god there are at least nine more of these? Why isn’t the writing phenomenal at this point? Why hasn’t anyone told the author to take some writing classes and fix those fatal flaws in her work?

Really, is the sex that much of a draw that people will overlook the crap? Is the story that good? Personally Susan came way too quickly for any normal human girl and the plot needed a hell of a lot of work. It has potential but it’s buried in the mediocrity of the writing.

To be fair, I had a few eye-watering moments where the emotions between Rayvn (*yak*) and Susan came close to being real but I was so quickly wrenched from those moments by the otherwise lackluster writing that I just couldn’t stay involved. I tried but in the end, I just couldn’t bring myself to care about the characters. They held no interest to me.

Remind me to consider my bargain bin purchases a little more closely next time. I want to make sure I find something with substance on the next go around.

Just a side note, this is not by any means inclusive of all romance writing. Like I said, I’m sure there’s stuff a hell of a lot better out there but unfortunately it’s crap like this that gives romance a bad name, I think anyway. I have respect for writers of all genres so long as they do what they do to the best of their ability and are capable of recognizing their own faults. If this was the best of the author’s ability, maybe it would have been better kept as a midnight fantasy told amongst friends. Like Twilight.