The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You by Vlad Mezrich

Published October, 2009.

Are you in love with a vampire? Are you worried that you might not be his (blood) type? Do you wonder whether that cold stare means he isn't interested . . . or if it's simply because he's been dead for centuries (nothing personal)? Have you tried to coax him out of his crypt with a flash of your neck or a near-death situation that requires him to save you at the very last possible moment? Have you ever considered what it would be like to introduce him to your mother?

• Even though your vampire's skin is transfixingly translucent, he still can be very hard to read. Sometimes he's simply holding back his true feelings, resisting the urge to bite you in the chance that one day you will truly love him. And other times . . . well, he's just not that into you.

• How can you tell? Undead dating specialist Vlad Mezrich has all the answers, utilizing quizzes, Top Ten lists, language analysis, real-life (and real-death) testimonials, and fancy charts to show you how to get your vampire and keep him forever. Once you go vamp, you never decamp - so let this eternally rewarding book show you the way to snagging the vampire of your dreams. (book back blurb)

I both really liked this book for its satire and was leery of it because, well, I can see sparkly-eyed teen girls taking the quizzes like they do in Cosmo and holding themselves to the results. Poor boyfriends. I just can't tell if the satire wasn't strong enough or if it's just me reading a little too much into it.

Either way it was pretty funny. It's pretty much a total rip on TWILIGHT and tells you how klutzy to be in order to snag a sparkly one, among other things. The breakdown of normal boys, goth boys and vampires was pretty funny, complete with diagrams with zits and fangs (not combined, of course).

The voice was awesome and the tone was consistent. Vlad did a good job of getting his expertise across without slaughtering any of the testimonial reporters. I think. Good for him if he did.

It was a super short read, meant to be light-hearted and silly. If you're a diehard TWILIGHT fan you probably won't like it because it makes no qualms about ripping the Edward-ish a new butthole. It maintains its "integrity" until the end and I think that might be what holds me back from really loving this book. I want to but the satire is at times hard for me to swallow because I can't help but think that a couple parts might not be satirical. Kind of absurd but that line between reality and satire is blurred which makes me leery.

Still, it's a funny book and if you're looking for a quick break from the vampire inundation, this is a good break to have.

Vampire Taxonomy by Meredith Woerner + Contest!

Published November, 2009

Whether you accept it or not, the world is overrun with vampires - behind you in line at the store, "living" in the house next door, walking their undead dogs. Not content to live quietly in the shadows, they appear blatantly in every medium from television and movies to books and comics. With so many different species running amok, it's hard to know whether the next vamp you meet will want to marry you or have you for dinner. With this guide, however, you can easily identify which type of bloodsucker you're dealing with and how best to approach (or avoid) it by understanding:

• Physical Attributes: Recognize each type of immortal with fang diagrams, dissections of the vampire anatomy, and other helpful classification tools.
• Habitat: Does it venture out in the day (and look awfully sparkly when it does) or board up the windows in mysterious manor houses?
• Demeanor: Is it a brooding loner waging a never-ending struggle against the temptation of human blood, or a carefree creature with a biting wit who views the world as its own personal blood buffet?
• Weaknesses: Crosses, sunlight, cutting off heads - what will do the job?
• Cultural Assimilation: Prime yourself with the appropriate response to any situation you may find yourself in with someone "long in the tooth."

Read this book and when the vampires come calling, be prepared with either your heart on your sleeve or a stake in your hand. (book back blurb)

What made this book stand out for me against all the other vampire guides out there was the fact that Meredith Woerner is a Lost Boys fan. Hello! When her publicist sent me Meredith's author blurb I pretty much went, "send me nao." Must read. I was hesitant, however, because of the mention of Twilight on the back of the book. But lo, how happy I would become as I actually cracked the book to read.

First and foremost, what I especially liked was how all the different vampire movies and books were classified as different vampires. It didn't lump everything into one fang and give you general guidelines on what to do with them. Not only are there the Romantic, Villainous and Tragic vampires (all three present in nearly every vampire story) but there are different species and various types of evolution as well. Like you have the bat-like vampires of The Lost Boys and then you have those ugly pseudo-Alien things from Blade II. Actually, those more closely look like Predator. But you know what I'm talking about, right? Anyway, Woerner is thinking like how I've thought for over a decade, in varying species, not just one set of vampires, and I love that. They all exist simultaneously and, like humans, they adapt to their various lifestyles. Great minds think alike and all of that.

Love number two, while Woerner was attempting to be impartial on the glittering aspect of certain vampires, I think (through my rather clouded eyes) that its fairly obvious that she's not keen to what she calls "The Sparkle Factor" -

As of late, there has been great debate surrounding the sunlight factor and its effect on the epidermis of a vampire: yes, we're speaking of the "real vampires don't sparkle" controversy surrounding the Twilight series.

So, do some vampires sparkle in the sun? Because most pop culture myths have some basis in historical fact, it's a possibility. But in the end it's difficult to say. There are no ancient myths of glittering vampires, although we do know that some species of vamps can freely stroll about in the daytime. The stance on sparkle is going to have to remain in the air until more than one pop culture outlet can agree that vampires have mutated, evolved, or always retained the glimmering ability.

AKA, only the Twitards actually believe that vampires sparkle (interpretation mine). Don't get me wrong. Woerner is a total vampire professional. There is no sparkle bashing of any kind in this book. In fact Twilight is cited numerous times and the Cullens (and Volturi and those nomadic vampires) do make appearances throughout the book for not only their appearance but for their demeanor. So please don't think this book is a knock on Twilight. Not at all. But I do think that the book does consider the "vampires" of Twilight kind of like the vegetarians that only eat fish. Not quite there.

Probably some of my favorite parts of the book (really, they're all my favorites) were the "Known Specimens" at the end of each chapter where it plugs true form pop culture references into the explanations that were given in that chapter. For example, the "Villainous Vampires" chapter breaks these evil doers down into varying degrees of villainy -

Big Bad (known from BtVS the TV show and which describes those vamps that want pretty much the total destruction of the human race) which has examples like Lothos (BtVS the movie), Max (The Lost Boys), Jon Valek (John Carpenter's Vampires) and Murlough (Cirque du Freak).

Anger-Issues Immortals are the trigger happy vampires that'll drink your blood from your cracked open skull in the middle of Times Square. They include Severen (Near Dark), David (The Lost Boys), James (Twilight) and Deacon Frost (Blade).

Beautiful But Deadly which is pretty self explanatory and those include Santiago (IWTV), Countess (Once Bitten), Diamondback (Near Dark) and Miriam Blaylock (The Hunger).

Perfectly Terrible Gentlemen include the likes of Bela Lugosi's Count Dracula and then there are the All-Around Undead Jerks wherein Amilyn from the BtVS the movie falls in.

Absolutely awesome, I say. Woerner cites heavily from the likes of The Lost Boys, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (moreso the TV series and the comic), Near Dark and older films like Carmilla and Nosferatu and it's a must for any vampire fan. It's perfect for that new-found vampire lover that may be looking to broaden their horizons on the fang front or the seasoned nocturnal nommer that'll squee with glee at all the old school love in this book. Really a great read, very funny, very snarky and damn, does Woener know her stuff. Not only does she cite pop culture at the drop of a hat but she knows her mythology as well. Wicked.

So if you're looking for some intelligent yet satirical vampire education, be sure to pick up this book. It may just save your life.

Contest Time!!!

The publisher has kindly offered up two copies of this fabulous book to two lucky readers! You want one? Here's what you have to do -

Comment with your email and answer the following question -

What's your vampire type of vampire and why? (ETA - You don't have to choose from a category above. Create your own or just describe your favorite type of vampire that you've come across if you like.)

No answer, no entry. Period.

+4 for current followers
+3 for new followers
+3 for telling me your favorite vampire movie and/or book and why
+3 for linking (up to 3 links for a total of +9)

This contest is open to US residents only and will end on Decembter 29th at midnight, EST! Good luck everyone!

How Shall I Tell the Dog? by Miles Kington + Contest!

Published July, 2009.

When some people are told they have only a few months to live, they might travel around the world or quietly put their affairs in order. When it happened at the age of 66 to Miles Kington - one of England's best-loved humorists - he did what he did best, offering wry, laugh-out-loud observations about his situation. Following his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, Kington embarked on How Shall I Tell the Dog?, written as a series of letters to his literary agent and longtime friend, Gill, in which he proposes crazier and crazier ideas for a new book that "cashes in on cancer."

His final musings include everything from the irony of 1,000 Places to See Before You Die and creating a funeral video ("Hello. I'm sorry I couldn't be here in person with you today"), to the notion of creating cancer language guides (Parlez-vous Cancer?) and the prospect of being outlived by his dog, Berry. Mischievous and utterly original, Kington's final words are a celebration of life. (book back blurb)

This is another one of my BEA ARCs that I thought looked endearing enough when I picked it up. It's slated as, "A book to make the Grim Reaper laugh" and I honestly thought it would be more musings about how to go about telling his dog that he was dying. I really don't want to criticize a dead guy's final book but . . .

I was just rather annoyed with the humor. I didn't find it all that funny. Maybe I didn't get the British wit. Maybe, to some people, there is something funny about a guy who just has nothing but ideas but no motivation to follow through with any of them. Considering its ringing motif throughout, I just found it annoying and, eventually, grating. Just shut up about the ideas already. You're obviously going nowhere with them. To me, that's what this guy did himself to his agent, which I only found more annoying.

Like I said, maybe that is the humor. I just didn't find it funny. I don't know who Miles Kington was. I've never heard of him before picking up this book. I couldn't tell you if I genuinely liked his humor or not. But judging by this book alone, I don't. It's exceptionally dry. And I like dry humor. I found this so dry it was, for the most part, humorless.

It wasn't the book I thought it was going to be which I think hardened it even more. There were a couple of chuckle parts but none of this laugh-out-loud that the blurb said would be in there. At least not for me. Again, maybe I just didn't get the humor. But hopefully someone else will.

CONTEST TIME!

Does this sound like something you might get a kick out of? Then comment with your email to enter to win it. Answer this questions for an extra 2 points - Who's your favorite comedianand why? Follow (new or old, doesn't matter) for another 2 points. I'll open this one up to international readers as well since it's a British author. Contest will end August 8th. Good luck!