Angels, Vampires & Douche Bags by Carla Collins

Published March 1, 2010.

Author website.

In this candid confessional, comedian Carla Collins divides the world into the angels who guide us, inspire us, and save our butts; the sexy and trendy vampires who suck the life out of us; and the douche bags who constantly annoy, disgust and taunt us. With a fast wit, fake breasts and real heart, Collins shares her unconventional journey from a small steel town in Ontario, Canada to Tinseltown L.A. On this wild and revealing romp, she navigates her way through seventy-two imaginary friends, multiple fianc s, eight dogs, two marriages, and one topless grandmother. Her hard-earned life lessons will show you that by taking risks, embracing humiliation and tapping into the power of laughter, anything is possible--and everyone is manageable. Attract more angels into your life, control your vampires, and keep all the douche bags at bay.  (goodreads.com)

I laughed my ass off reading ANGELS, VAMPIRES & DOUCHE BAGS.  Seriously, Carla has a wit and timing about her that just can't be beat.  She's a petite little blonde that's packed full of snark but never even comes close to toeing the line of being a snatch.  Her comedy doesn't stem from any kind of nastiness.  There isn't a bitterness to it.  Sure, some of the things in her life weren't all that great but even the seedier moments are spun on their head and given a humorous light.  Carla is exceptionally self-deprecating, something I can wholly appreciate.  Trust, no one's going to find you funny unless you can laugh at yourself first.

While having a nominally unhealthy obsession with hookers, Carla tells like it it is, her life spread eagle on the pages for all to see.  She doesn't try to hide anything and she certainly doesn't sugarcoat any of it either.  Her stories are told with a poignant voice that really only sprinkles in the snark but the lines are so well-timed that they kind of sneak up on you and you find yourself laughing before you can even really process what you read.  Seriously, I need to see this woman live because she's a damn good storyteller.  I can imagine her sitting around a table just chatting and just the WAY she tells the stories sucks you right in.  The tone, the voice, it's funny without actually being funny simply because you know there's going to be a line there that'll crack you right the hell up.

If I quoted all of my favorite lines I'd pretty much be duplicating the entire book but here are some of note enough that I stopped reading to plug into my Goodreads status thingy -

"I hesitated, because to me, tantric sex sounds like a Kevin Costner movie - it goes on forever and nobody comes." 

"I was at the counter and figured I needed a back of Mentos,  a copy of People magazine and a bag of boobies." 

"That Jerry Maguire movie was bullshit.  You need to become complete yourself first; then ideally, find another complete human to compliment you."

Between the most excellent pearls of wisdom and the snap, it could hardly go wrong.

Except it did.  Not at the fault of Carla, though.  From page 75 to 104 it duplicates from page 17 on 32 pages.  I'm not kidding.  And I'm not talking some extra pages shoved into the greater book.  I'm talking about these 32 pages replaced the greater part of the VAMPIRES portion of this book.  I was filled with chagrin.  I mean talk about total buzz kill.  And it cut me off in the middle of an epic story and I still have no idea how it ended!  I'm missing 23% of the book and that makes me cranky.  Cranky to the point where I don't know how to rate this.  I loved everything I read.  Carla has an intriguing life and a kick ass voice that'll make me want to read anything she's ever written.  But an inbred one-eyed, one-handed clown bound the book and robbed me of a chunk of it.  Cranky.

I believe I shall rate it based on writing alone even though missing that part of the book put a huge damper on it for me.  Like I said, not Carla's fault so I can't discount her for it.  But I can grumble.

Ban Factor: High - Did you miss the part about Carla having a nominally unhealthy obsession with hookers?  Or boobies?  Or the tantric sex?  The banners are swooning.  Someone get some accordion fans.

Stupid Christmas by Leland Gregory

Published October 5, 2010.

From absurd 911 calls to presidential philosophizing and foolish felons, Leland Gregory generates the best laughs by exposing the worst of human nature. Following up his New York Times best-selling Stupid American History, Gregory sets his sights on the holidays as he exposes mind-numbing mistletoe maladies in Stupid Christmas: Idiots under the Mistletoe.

Perhaps it's the spiked eggnog or the multiple family members gathered around crazy-colored, twinkly lights, but the holidays are rife with idiocy by the daft and the dumb. Inside this latest collection, Gregory offers more than 200 accounts of holiday-induced stupidity, including:

* While smoke billowed out of the store, firefighters had to physically restrain enthusiastic shoppers from entering a Great Lakes Mall store during an electrical fire.

* In 1995, officials debated over whom to invite to the city's Christmas tree ceremony: President Bill Clinton or the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

* As a joke, Andrew Jackson sent formal invitations to his Christmas ball to a well-known mother-and-daughter prostitute team in Salisbury, North Carolina. (goodreads.com)

Overall it was a cute read. It got some chuckles out of me. No plot to speak of, of course, but I wouldn't necessarily call someone that just rehashes dumb stories pulled from other sources an author. I'm not trying to say that to be mean or anything. I'm just saying Gregory, in my eyes, is more of an editor than an actual author. Sure he retold these stories to the reader but I didn't feel the voice was all that amazing or anything. Cute, but that's about it.

STUPID CHRISTMAS works well as a stocking stuffer for that hard-to-buy-for person with the quirky sense of humor. There are outright funny stories in these pages, along with some that are slightly horrifying. But they're all interesting to read. And it's a quick read at that. Something that you zoom through, get your fill of human stupidity and set it aside. Maybe hand it off to someone else or else pull it out each holiday season and use it as coffee table fodder next to your dancing Santa Claus.

My favorite blurb, though, was all so poignant to us book lovers -

A public library in Oberlin, Ohio, unveiled a holiday display by conceptual artist Keith McGuckin that featured a legless Santa Claus in a wheelchair being pushed down the stairs by an evil Christmas tree. A narrative that accompanied the image explained that Santa had lost his legs when they got entangled in power lines during an alcoholic binge and that the sadistic tree is planning on stealing the money in a Salvation Army kettle and visiting a strip club. A December 4, 2008, article from United Press International quoted library director Darren McDonough as saying that the display would remain in place during the holiday season and to "Remember the old library saying - 'If we don't having something to offend you, we're not going our job.'"

Loved it. This one really tickled me so. This is also a good example of the length and style of the writing. Not bad, but not really indicative of any kind of stand out voice, in my opinion. I'm just getting retold some silly stuff. It's like of like giving Bob Sagat credit for the videos that's he simply replaying on America's Funniest Home Videos. You get the cute little asides but, at the end of the day, it's really someone else that provides the entertainment.

Like I said, STUPID CHRISTMAS is cute and works great as a stocking stuffer. I learned some mind-numbing stuff about my area as it's so featured in this snarky book. I just don't see anyone needing to read this one more than once, though. I wouldn't be surprised with its regifting potential. Hey, at least it's better than a singing fish.

Ban Factor: Medium - While free of swearing and lewdness, it is poking fun at anything and everything it can get its hands on, including religion. But then banners would need to READ it to see that. That may be asking too much.

The Girl's Guide to Werewolves by Barb Karg

Published September 18, 2009.

The good news is: He's tall, dark, and handsome.

The bad news is: He's short-tempered, a bit hairy, and has a tendency to howl at the full moon.

. . . Which makes bringing him home to meet mom and dad a bit difficult. How do you expect him to meet the family when he's shedding on the furniture and sharpening his nails? Will he have more in common with the family dog than you? Will he leave you for a hairy hottie? No worries-in this guide, you will learn everything you need to know about these wild boys, including:

• How to spot a werewolf
• What to do when he changes shape
• How to avoid his animalistic mood swings
• How to destroy the savage beast (before he destroys you!)
• The best-and worst-werewolf books and filmsWith this book, all ladies in love with lycanthropes learn how to tame their creatures of the night!

If you find yourself crushing on these beastly bad boys, The Girl's Guide to Werewolves will teach you how to train and tame your creature of the night! (book back blurb)

See, that blurb is a bit misleading but ultimately in a good way: it's not as cutesy as it's made out to be. Thanks to the likes of certain glittering vampire movies, Karg's book is trying to cater to a particular female pubescent clientele that may or may not have an affinity for a particular shirtless "werewolf," of which she mentions constantly throughout the book. But THE GIRL'S GUIDE is actually a really good cliff notes source for all things werewolf, without pictures. Chagrin, Team Jacob. Chagrin.

From their very beginnings in legends and lore to their current cinematic manifestations, Karg covers them all in quick succession. If you're a writer looking for an easy way out but not willing to go all SMeyer-lazy, THE GIRL'S GUIDE is a great tool to use for those quick and easy look-ups. From how the varieties transform, to what they look like, to how they're killed and the celluloid offspring they spawned, you can find it here. Are there more comprehensive guides out there? Of course. But I'm sure none have the spunk of THE GIRL'S GUIDE.

So don't be fooled by the title, the cover or the book blurb. THE GIRL'S GUIDE is a good book to have when you're just getting into the werewolf lore. Don't be turned off at the notion that it actually plays into the same scheme as the likes of THE VAMPIRE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU does. It doesn't. Like I said, the kitch is a ploy to bring in the Twihards. There's genuine information between these covers that you don't want to miss, especially if werewolves are your thing.

It just kind of saddens me that publishers think they need to strum the heartstrings of Twihards everywhere in order to get this to sell. Marketing it for the information bloom it is should have been enough, in my opinion. Sure it's snazzy and quirky and plays pretend really well. But it would be a shame for THE GIRL'S GUIDE to get thrown aside by the same market that actually wants to know how to bag a werewolf. Because girlies, this one doesn't actually do that.

So when you pick up THE GIRL'S GUIDE, just remember you'll get a fill of werewolf information when you read and you'll be fine. Then, if this has piqued your interest enough, move on to the meatier stuff. Just remember where you started.

Ban Factor: High - The supernatural always does it in. And since this one is talking about getting with a werewolf, they'd be salivating to kill it.

Awkward Family Pet Photos by Mike Bender and Doug Chernack

Published November 1, 2011.

Pets. They love us unconditionally, shower us with affection, and because of them, we actually live longer. So, what can possibly be awkward about our animal BFFs? Well...nothing. In fact, we're the awkward ones. Let's face it-- sometimes our adoration for them makes us go a little overboard. Like giving them middle names or convincing ourselves that they really want to wear the pink diamond-studded Prada collar. Truth is, what they really cherish is our companionship, a belly rub, and a treat every now and then. And maybe that's the reason we care about them so much - because for such simple pleasures, they allow us to be as awkward as we want. (netgalley.com)

From the people that brought you awkwardfamilyphotos.com and awkwardfamilypetphotos.com, they bestow upon you the book form of the latter, filled to the brim with awkward people and pets looking chagrined. Really, you're either going to love something like this or you're going to hate it. If you hate it, I'm pretty sure you don't have a soul. Because really, who doesn't like to gaze upon picture after picture of horribly awkward people inflicting their deep-seated dorkiness onto their non-human loved ones? It'll give you the chance to laugh, even for just a moment, as you project the horror onto someone other than yourself. That is, after you fix the antlers on your dog.

There's really not much to say about AWKWARD FAMILY PET PHOTOS other than poor animals and hilarious people. It's nice to know that people can laugh at themselves. Because when it's 1986 and you're posing with your cockatiel and you both have matching hair, if you can't laugh at that, you're going to give yourself an ulcer.

AWKWARD FAMILY PET PHOTOS would make a great Christmas gift for the jokester in your family, or a super stocking stuffer for anyone. Image the conversations that would ensue with this book lying about on your coffee table. You might find far more out about your neighbor than you were willing to live with. But that's okay. That's what evergreens are for. Really high evergreens.

With quirky commentary and photos so epically awkward they're have you laughing until you cry, AWKWARD FAMILY PET PHOTOS is something you not only need to buy for yourself, but for all of your loved ones. If they don't appreciate it, see above re: soul.

Ban Factor: Medium - Because banners can't laugh at themselves, it's nominally likely they wouldn't get the humor here and would want it killed dead.

FAIL Harder by the failblog.org community

Published September 5, 2011.

So what qualifies as a FAIL? How about a nursery outfitted with a gun rack hanging over the baby's crib? Perhaps the equation, "E=MC3" written on a classroom's write/erase board. What about a trifecta of beauty parlor, chain saw repair, and nightclub housed inside an all-in-one-stop shop?

Classic FAILs like these are presented in more than 15 different categories, including At Home, In A Relationship, On the Job, and With Your Pets.

If you must FAIL, FAIL Harder. (netgalley.com)

Consider this a quickie review because really, without a plot, or words other than FAIL in it, and no viable characters to show for it, I'm just reviewing the pictures of idiocy that is our world. And by god are they fantastic. Showcasing the de-evolution of our society, FAIL HARDER perfectly captures all that is dumb on the planet.

The pictures say it all. The FAIL splashed over them only adds to it. If you like the sick, twisted, self-deprecating humor of the Fail Blog, then you'll love this compilation of harder fails and want to add it to your collection immediately. It'll make a great coffee table book. Or will just make you want to curl up in a corner and cry for our lost brain cells. Either or.

Fail on.

Ban Factor: Medium - There aren't any words to offend but it tacks a big crack at humanity as a whole and we all know book banners can't take a joke. So that alone might offend them. Ultimately it could go either way. It depends on whether the banners would want to think.

Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach, illustrated by Richard Cortes

Published 6/14/11.

Go the Fuck to Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland. Profane, affectionate, and radically honest, it captures the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a book for parents new, old, and expectant. You probably should not read it to your children. (netgalley.com)

It's about freakin' time adults got their own picture books to put them to sleep. The market is sorely lacking in this niche. I'm glad Adam Mansbach (and Richard Cortes) were able to fill this gap just a little more.

What can be said for a 20 page adult picture book whose blurb has more words than what's between the pages? Aside from the fact that it's absolutely brilliant? If parents can't laugh at this, then their senses of humor were tossed out with the last placenta. It's painfully real and equally funny. If you're like me and are without loinfruit, you'll laugh uproariously. If you do have offspring, you'll still laugh your ass off but it might be tinted with a hint of psychotic insanity because you can relate all too well.

My favorite lines -

Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom.

You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.

How can you go wrong with that? What's even better is all of the art is so sweet and serene, like something you would actually find in a child's picture book. It'll just make you laugh even harder. Take a look. Open Road Media supplied me with a couple of examples to illustrate (click for a larger look) -

Soldier boy bought it for his friends, at my insistence, who have a kid. He was afraid they wouldn't laugh. They laughed their asses off. And so will you. You can buy the eBook form from Amazon, Apple, BN and Sony.

Fat Vampire by Adam Rex + Giveaway!

Published August 1, 2010.

Doug Lee is undead quite by accident - attacked by a desperate vampire, he finds himself cursed with being fat and fifteen forever. When he has no luck finding some goth chick with a vampire fetish, he resorts to sucking the blood of cows under cover of the night. But it's just not the same.

Then he meets the new Indian exchange student and falls for her - hard. Yeah, he wants to bite her, but he also wants to prove himself to her. But like the laws of life, love, and high school, the laws of vampire existence are complicated - it's not as easy as studying Dracula. Especially when the star of Vampire Hunters is hot on his trail in an attempt to boost ratings . . . (book back blurb)

Absolutely fantastic. There is just no other way to say it. FAT VAMPIRE spoofs the hell out of everything that is vampire nowadays but maintains this underlying tone of seriousness that really hits home. Underneath it all it's about a kid fitting in in life. How many kids now are all vampire obsessed and want to turn into a vampire? Well Adam Rex takes that notion and slaps reality home like a puck into a net. If you're a meatball-looking geek in life, then guess what? You're going to be a meatball-looking geek in undeath. Except your lack of eating won't get you to lose any weight. Sorry.

It throws everything that pop culture has made of vampires right back in its face. Yeah, it sucks to have to go to school when you're a vampire because of that slight light sensitivity you have. The remedy? A poncho. Constantly. As if you weren't made fun of enough. And even as a vampire you can't get chicks to get with you because you're a bit of a creep factor. You take the je ne sais quoi that vampires are supposed to have and give it a holy water bath because that vampire blood didn't eradicate your inner comic book-loving goof.

The best part? The homage to The Lost Boys. Oh yeah, it's in there. And it's not very subtle if you're a fan of the movie. But it's awesome all the same.

There wasn't a character in FAT VAMPIRE that I didn't like. I thought Doug was an insanely complex character that even from the beginning wasn't your standard geek because he's never not a vampire in the book. So while he wants to geek out at Comic-Con, he needs to raid the local blood mobile in order to do it. And you can see him change; slip into his vampire skin a little better. And people notice it too, but it's not necessarily in a good way. And he has a hard time with this and it shows. Doug's just such a dynamic character; I really couldn't get enough of him.

Sejal was pretty cool too. There was really no bowing to American pressures at all and she really stood her ground when it came to Doug. She told him how it was without any pretenses and didn't back down. She's super girl for doing that, I think. But in the end she was there for him exactly how he needed her to be, which is different from how he wanted her to be. Read it and you'll see what I'm talking about.

The ending? Amazing. At first it starts off kind of quirky and goofy and then it just slams you with seriousness that leaves you going awww in a sad sort of way. It doesn't cut any corners, it doesn't sugar-coat anything. It ends exactly how the story should end and I love it all the more for it.

Again, absolutely fantastic. It's a satire without really being a satire but maintains it's seriousness about itself without taking itself too serious. It's funny (Doug is called Assferatu, win), it's witty and it puts vampires right back in the grave where they belong. Read it. You'll love it.

Giveaway Time!!!

Want to win my ARC? Then just fill out the form below for your chance.

• Open to US residents 13 years of age and older only.
• One entry per person per email address.
• Duplicate entries will be deleted.
• Giveaway ends July 4th at midnight, EST.

Suck On This Year by Denis Leary

Published December 2, 2010.

Yeah. You read it right.

LYFAO.

It's hip and cool.

Don't know what it means?

Well, don't worry. Neither did Denis. Until it was explained to him by his teenage kids and nieces and nephews. And some of the people at his production company. And most of his fellow cast members on FX's hit show Rescue Me.

And then all of us here at the publishing company.

LAUGH YOUR FRIGGING (or Fat or that Other F Word) ASS OFF.

"Why is it abbreviated?" Denis asked.

So you can only imagine how hard it was to explain to him the idea of 140 characters or less - the basic Twitter communication formula. It turns out that Denis is not very nimble when it comes to math (he failed it twice in high school and had to blackmail a nun in order to graduate).

But one thing he can do is funny, so once we got past the fact that he can't multiply or subtract or even basically navigate his way around the internet - he started coming up with stuff like this:

• MAN ARRESTED W KILO OF COKE IN CHUNK OF BOLOGNA. MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME AND IT WON'T SHUT THE F@%# UP.
• FACEBOOK FOUNDER PLEDGES 100 MILLION $ TO IMPROVE NEWARK PUBLIC SCHOOLS. MAYOR PLANS TO SPEND IT ON YELLOW CRIME SCENE TAPE.
• BLIND MAN BOWLS PERFECT GAME. LEMME GUESS - IT WAS THE SHOES.

So we showed him how to post these comic tweets and just recently we asked him to pick some of the best from the last twelve months to place into the book you currently hold in your hands. Just remember, if you get the opportunity to have him sign it - make sure he spells your name right. And don't ask him to do any long division. (book flap blurb)

I'm probably going to break my "your review needs to be longer than the book blurb" credo. Why? Because the book blurb is longer than the book itself. I kid you not. The "book" is 104 pages long. Roughly half of those are pictures. Each remaining page contains 1 twit each, 140 characters or less. There's nothing to judge here. No plot structure or character development. No use of proper grammar or cliches. You either think the guy's funny or you don't.

Considering I think Denis Leary is nothing short of a god, I find him, and his most recent book, quite hilarious. I'd already seen 1/3 of the snarks since I follow him on Facebook and Twitter but that's okay. I don't mind helping his kids through college despite my own heinous student loan debt.

Really, all this is book is is another piece of Denis Leary fun added to your growing pile of Denis Leary stuff. You will get through it, literally, in about 5 minutes. 10 if you keep getting pulled away. Any longer and I might start to question your reading competence. So if you're a fan of Denis Leary, you're going to want to nab this one up. It's nowhere near as good as Why We Suck but it'll make you laugh all the same. That is if you have a rather self-deprecating and un-politically correct sense of humor.

How to be a Zombie by Serena Valentino + Contest!

Published 2010.

This fantastically freaky look inside the fearsome world of zombies takes you, the newly undead, from first bite to fun-filled afterlife with hands-on hints covering:

Fitting in at home, work, and school as a zombie.

Dressing like a hideous undead creature.

Brains - do you have to eat them?

Get bitten.

Get gory.

Get your zombie on. (book back blurb)

First, let me just say the romanticizing of zombies really cranks my grinder. They're zombies. Undead, rotting corpses. What can possibly be appealing about that? But putting that aside, this was a pretty cute book. Very nicely put together, I loved the visuals that came with all of the tips. My favorites were the musical selections.

I liked how the book outlined each different type of zombie gathered from various sources and stuck to the confines of each zombie; meaning those rage virus zombies didn't have much of a chance for a romantic life since they're pretty much bat shit insane and would rip apart any significant other they came across. As much humor that was throughout the book, there is legitimate lore littered throughout which is a nice break from it all. It helps ground out the extreme that the book is taking zombiism to.

I loved all of the pictures and fonts that went along with all of the text. It complimented the entire feel of the book nicely. A mixture of digitally edited photographs and drawings, they're both heinously creepy and when need be funny at the same time. It was a nice juxtaposition throughout the book. Yes, it's pretty much making fun of romanticized zombies and banking on the extreme that people are taking it to but at the same time it's showcasing just how icky these things really are.

It gives excellent selections for zombie-related music and classic zombie movie choices. You can't really beat that. There's even a quirky comic and a couple of zombie quizzes you can take to see where you rank in the greater zombie-verse. The voice is poignant and portrays what it's trying to say as clearly as possible, with just a little sarcasm. It's definitely catering to a specific audience but at the same time those that are a little more leery of the romanticized zombie can get a kick out of what Valentino is saying.

It's quirky, funny and, yes, cute. There's just no other word for it. I love the make-up of some of the chicks in the photos and I can use other creeptastic photos for excellent triggers for writing. Can't beat that. This book certainly doesn't take itself seriously but it hits upon pretty realistic points concerning zombies that you might not have thought of otherwise. So if you want a good kick out of the zombie world, this book's a good one to do it. It's a quick read that'll have you laughing at points and taking notes at others.

Contest Time!!!

Want my copy of How to be a Zombie? Then just fill out the form below for your chance to win! Open to US residents 13 years of age and older only. One entry per person per email address. Duplicate entries will be deleted. The designated question must be answered for the entrant to qualify. Entrance into the contest also grants me permission to post your answer on this website. Contest ends October 24th at midnight, EST.

The Girl's Guide to Vampires: All You Need to Know About the Original Bad Boys by Barb Karg + Contest!

Published January of 2009.

The good news is: He's tall, dark, and handsome.

The bad news is: He's a bloodsucking creature of the night. Not to mention arrogant, predatory, and immortal.

What's a girl to do? No worries--in this guide, girls learn everything they need to know about these romantic rogues, including how to:

• Know when they've met a vampire
• Avoid falling prey to a nightstalker's charms
• Resist even the most aggressive advances
• Protect themselves against the undead
• Destroy a vampire--using everything from holy water to decapitation

Complete with a review of vampire books, TV shows, and films as well as accounts of real-life encounters with vampires, this book is all girls need to surrender to the night--and still make sure they're around to see another day! (from bn.com)

Despite it's campy, cutesy attack style in order to suck young female readers in, it's actually a really good resource to have if you're looking for the Cliff Notes version on vampires. This book doesn't beat around the bush. Vampires are reanimated corpses. If you can get over that, you're good to head on out with a vamp.

From the Vlads to the crazies to the cinematic, this book has it all, jam-packed into less than 200 lean pages of bloody meat. The first two-thirds of the book is a mini-encyclopedia, going over the types of vampires, where they come from, how they're made, how you can kill them, what their personalities are like and so on. The last third gives you a run down of excellent vampires on film, in books and on TV. If you don't know of Dark Shadows, Forever Knight, Fright Night or Nosferatu, you're sorely lacking. All of this, though, is told with a keen teen-type of voice meant to suck in and intrigue, talk to instead of talk at because, quite frankly, lectures, even about awesome things like vampires, can get really boring.

The only issue I had with the book is the author referring to Stephenie Meyer as Queen of the Darned for her popular blue balls "vampire" books. You know, I guess you can't talk about the greater spectrum of vampires without giving SMeyer her due credit, however little that may be. Despite the fact that she printed literary horse shit, we can thank her in large part to the surge of vampire love in YA. Yeah, thanks for those brooding emo vamps in high school after 200 years. How cool. And I guess when you're trying to rope in the same crowd that swallows those pissy novels like a starving duck, you're going to want to play to that crowd a bit. Thankfully I have some other vampire "guides" that refuse to pander to the likes of the Mormon research!fail queen.

Other than that, I'm very happy with the book overall. It started vampire history where it deserved, tapped all aspects of vampire lore, however briefly, and tied it in nicely to modern day happenings across the entertainment board. If you want a quick undead breath into the world of vampires, this is a good place to start but I can guarantee that once you read this guide, you'll want to dive in deeper to the ever-expansive world of vampires. Oh it's so much wider than mere glittering and simpering and pining. Vampires are nasty, they're seductive, they're sexy and their fangs are fucking sharp!

Contest Time!!!

You want my copy of this mini-epic guide? Then just fill out the form below and be sure to answer the question. Your entry won't count without it. Also, by submitting your answer you agree to let me post it on this site. Open to US residents 13 years of age and older only. One entry per person per email address. Duplicate entries will be deleted. Contest ends October 11th at midnight, EST.

Vampire Taxonomy by Meredith Woerner + Contest!

Published November, 2009

Whether you accept it or not, the world is overrun with vampires - behind you in line at the store, "living" in the house next door, walking their undead dogs. Not content to live quietly in the shadows, they appear blatantly in every medium from television and movies to books and comics. With so many different species running amok, it's hard to know whether the next vamp you meet will want to marry you or have you for dinner. With this guide, however, you can easily identify which type of bloodsucker you're dealing with and how best to approach (or avoid) it by understanding:

• Physical Attributes: Recognize each type of immortal with fang diagrams, dissections of the vampire anatomy, and other helpful classification tools.
• Habitat: Does it venture out in the day (and look awfully sparkly when it does) or board up the windows in mysterious manor houses?
• Demeanor: Is it a brooding loner waging a never-ending struggle against the temptation of human blood, or a carefree creature with a biting wit who views the world as its own personal blood buffet?
• Weaknesses: Crosses, sunlight, cutting off heads - what will do the job?
• Cultural Assimilation: Prime yourself with the appropriate response to any situation you may find yourself in with someone "long in the tooth."

Read this book and when the vampires come calling, be prepared with either your heart on your sleeve or a stake in your hand. (book back blurb)

What made this book stand out for me against all the other vampire guides out there was the fact that Meredith Woerner is a Lost Boys fan. Hello! When her publicist sent me Meredith's author blurb I pretty much went, "send me nao." Must read. I was hesitant, however, because of the mention of Twilight on the back of the book. But lo, how happy I would become as I actually cracked the book to read.

First and foremost, what I especially liked was how all the different vampire movies and books were classified as different vampires. It didn't lump everything into one fang and give you general guidelines on what to do with them. Not only are there the Romantic, Villainous and Tragic vampires (all three present in nearly every vampire story) but there are different species and various types of evolution as well. Like you have the bat-like vampires of The Lost Boys and then you have those ugly pseudo-Alien things from Blade II. Actually, those more closely look like Predator. But you know what I'm talking about, right? Anyway, Woerner is thinking like how I've thought for over a decade, in varying species, not just one set of vampires, and I love that. They all exist simultaneously and, like humans, they adapt to their various lifestyles. Great minds think alike and all of that.

Love number two, while Woerner was attempting to be impartial on the glittering aspect of certain vampires, I think (through my rather clouded eyes) that its fairly obvious that she's not keen to what she calls "The Sparkle Factor" -

As of late, there has been great debate surrounding the sunlight factor and its effect on the epidermis of a vampire: yes, we're speaking of the "real vampires don't sparkle" controversy surrounding the Twilight series.

So, do some vampires sparkle in the sun? Because most pop culture myths have some basis in historical fact, it's a possibility. But in the end it's difficult to say. There are no ancient myths of glittering vampires, although we do know that some species of vamps can freely stroll about in the daytime. The stance on sparkle is going to have to remain in the air until more than one pop culture outlet can agree that vampires have mutated, evolved, or always retained the glimmering ability.

AKA, only the Twitards actually believe that vampires sparkle (interpretation mine). Don't get me wrong. Woerner is a total vampire professional. There is no sparkle bashing of any kind in this book. In fact Twilight is cited numerous times and the Cullens (and Volturi and those nomadic vampires) do make appearances throughout the book for not only their appearance but for their demeanor. So please don't think this book is a knock on Twilight. Not at all. But I do think that the book does consider the "vampires" of Twilight kind of like the vegetarians that only eat fish. Not quite there.

Probably some of my favorite parts of the book (really, they're all my favorites) were the "Known Specimens" at the end of each chapter where it plugs true form pop culture references into the explanations that were given in that chapter. For example, the "Villainous Vampires" chapter breaks these evil doers down into varying degrees of villainy -

Big Bad (known from BtVS the TV show and which describes those vamps that want pretty much the total destruction of the human race) which has examples like Lothos (BtVS the movie), Max (The Lost Boys), Jon Valek (John Carpenter's Vampires) and Murlough (Cirque du Freak).

Anger-Issues Immortals are the trigger happy vampires that'll drink your blood from your cracked open skull in the middle of Times Square. They include Severen (Near Dark), David (The Lost Boys), James (Twilight) and Deacon Frost (Blade).

Beautiful But Deadly which is pretty self explanatory and those include Santiago (IWTV), Countess (Once Bitten), Diamondback (Near Dark) and Miriam Blaylock (The Hunger).

Perfectly Terrible Gentlemen include the likes of Bela Lugosi's Count Dracula and then there are the All-Around Undead Jerks wherein Amilyn from the BtVS the movie falls in.

Absolutely awesome, I say. Woerner cites heavily from the likes of The Lost Boys, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (moreso the TV series and the comic), Near Dark and older films like Carmilla and Nosferatu and it's a must for any vampire fan. It's perfect for that new-found vampire lover that may be looking to broaden their horizons on the fang front or the seasoned nocturnal nommer that'll squee with glee at all the old school love in this book. Really a great read, very funny, very snarky and damn, does Woener know her stuff. Not only does she cite pop culture at the drop of a hat but she knows her mythology as well. Wicked.

So if you're looking for some intelligent yet satirical vampire education, be sure to pick up this book. It may just save your life.

Contest Time!!!

The publisher has kindly offered up two copies of this fabulous book to two lucky readers! You want one? Here's what you have to do -

Comment with your email and answer the following question -

What's your vampire type of vampire and why? (ETA - You don't have to choose from a category above. Create your own or just describe your favorite type of vampire that you've come across if you like.)

No answer, no entry. Period.

+4 for current followers
+3 for new followers
+3 for telling me your favorite vampire movie and/or book and why
+3 for linking (up to 3 links for a total of +9)

This contest is open to US residents only and will end on Decembter 29th at midnight, EST! Good luck everyone!

How Shall I Tell the Dog? by Miles Kington + Contest!

Published July, 2009.

When some people are told they have only a few months to live, they might travel around the world or quietly put their affairs in order. When it happened at the age of 66 to Miles Kington - one of England's best-loved humorists - he did what he did best, offering wry, laugh-out-loud observations about his situation. Following his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, Kington embarked on How Shall I Tell the Dog?, written as a series of letters to his literary agent and longtime friend, Gill, in which he proposes crazier and crazier ideas for a new book that "cashes in on cancer."

His final musings include everything from the irony of 1,000 Places to See Before You Die and creating a funeral video ("Hello. I'm sorry I couldn't be here in person with you today"), to the notion of creating cancer language guides (Parlez-vous Cancer?) and the prospect of being outlived by his dog, Berry. Mischievous and utterly original, Kington's final words are a celebration of life. (book back blurb)

This is another one of my BEA ARCs that I thought looked endearing enough when I picked it up. It's slated as, "A book to make the Grim Reaper laugh" and I honestly thought it would be more musings about how to go about telling his dog that he was dying. I really don't want to criticize a dead guy's final book but . . .

I was just rather annoyed with the humor. I didn't find it all that funny. Maybe I didn't get the British wit. Maybe, to some people, there is something funny about a guy who just has nothing but ideas but no motivation to follow through with any of them. Considering its ringing motif throughout, I just found it annoying and, eventually, grating. Just shut up about the ideas already. You're obviously going nowhere with them. To me, that's what this guy did himself to his agent, which I only found more annoying.

Like I said, maybe that is the humor. I just didn't find it funny. I don't know who Miles Kington was. I've never heard of him before picking up this book. I couldn't tell you if I genuinely liked his humor or not. But judging by this book alone, I don't. It's exceptionally dry. And I like dry humor. I found this so dry it was, for the most part, humorless.

It wasn't the book I thought it was going to be which I think hardened it even more. There were a couple of chuckle parts but none of this laugh-out-loud that the blurb said would be in there. At least not for me. Again, maybe I just didn't get the humor. But hopefully someone else will.

CONTEST TIME!

Does this sound like something you might get a kick out of? Then comment with your email to enter to win it. Answer this questions for an extra 2 points - Who's your favorite comedianand why? Follow (new or old, doesn't matter) for another 2 points. I'll open this one up to international readers as well since it's a British author. Contest will end August 8th. Good luck!

For those that can't stand the *&^^)%#$ sparkling anymore

Or those with a sense of humor.


Thank god. Something to escape to. Have they done this in SNL yet? Because I need some good clips. I think I've watched all of the spoof trailers there are. At this point, I just want to cry at the depths this franchise has rapelled to. What with them making "werewolf"!Jacob into a fluffy fuzzy that wants his squeaky toy, I'm just waiting for the stick figures in the fourth movie. The big "fight" scene is just going to be a bunch of life-sized cardboard cutouts on strings. Seriously, you can't crank the movies out this fast and have the quality be up to snuff. There's a reason why HP comes out roughly every year and a half. They don't want them to suck the underside of a donkey too much.

But yay to Stephen Jenner for taking it upon himself to openly mock the Twilight franchise in fully published book form. I'm hoping he makes mention of the Blue Steel bandaids and "Smell Like Edward's Blood Breath" perfume complete in a copyright-infringed bottle from Hot Topic. Or the Christmas stockings . . . key chains . . . t-shirts . . . candy . . .

And OMG, he named the place Sporks. Ha! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Are there black silhouetted heads at the bottom of every page too? Please oh please?

Have an except -

I continued to scan the Sullens’ table for another available stud and quickly found one who was nearly as hot as Casper. Again I queried Maria, this time about the youngest Sullen boy, trying to hide my newly-formed schoolgirl crush on him.

“The boy over there, with the perfect face, nose, eyes, and lips…and chiseled chin, broad shoulders, strapping chest and tree trunk arms…and that V-shaped torso, thin waist and muscular legs like that of an Olympic cyclist. And perfectly manicured finger and toenails. Who is he, and what’s his story?”

“Oh, that’s Edweird,” she said, rolling her eyes as if they were the seven and ten pins teetering and deciding whether to fall down or not. “He’s dreamy. But he doesn’t date. Apparently, even the best looking girls in the school are not good enough for him. Rumor has it that he’s only interested in five foot four, average looking dark haired girls who only recently moved to Sporks from a hot climate state beginning with the letter “A.” Go find someone who fits that description!” Maria dejectedly shook her head, the contents of her shot glass riding up and spilling over the sides. She leaned down close to the table, shot out her pink tongue and lapped up the droplets.

I now turned my full attention to Edweird. Edweird looked as though he was transplanted to Sporks from the pages of Greek mythology. He was tall, with long, lean muscles, perfect angular features, and boyish good looks -- remarkably like the boy who played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies, but with spiky hair. That’s all I’m going to tell you about Edweird now, but don’t you worry: I’ll be describing his perfection from this point on every chance I get in four -- count ‘em, four -- amazingly long (and expensive) books.

Shameless. Absolutely shameless. I'll take twelve

Birthday Exposed

Ok, since today I'm officially slip-sliding towards 30 (oh god), I figured I'd humiliate myself a little bit. O_o What can I say? It's a funny story and it's a little something about me that doesn't focus on books so there you go.

I wrote this short piece and entered it into the Rosalie Fleming Memorial Humor Prize where I actually placed third and got to go out to San Francisco to read my work. Yay! Except my reading was slating for right at the halfway point and pretty much every work up until that point was the type of thing you want to slit your wrists to. Yeah. I was the fart joke at the Mensa meeting and on the verge of a panic attack. My awesome uncle was there to calm me down but all the literary in the room was still making me twitch. I was convinced I was going to hear crickets.

No.

Belly laughs. Raucous laughter. I kid you not. People came up to me after the show to compliment my piece. I was offered literary representation by a very reputable agent because she loves people that can write humor. One guy who was beyond jaded with the whole literary reading said that my piece "didn't suck." That was an awesome comment. I'm serious! I was even featured in a local paper. So yeah, good day.

All for talking about tits. My tits to be exact, except I didn't tell people that until the end. You're finding out now. This really happened to me back in 2005, all except the very end. So about 98% of this is true. I'm the god of self-deprecation, I tell you. I have to be to be able to get up in front of a crowd of complete strangers (maybe 100 people total) whose writing style is the polar opposite of mine and be able to read this without fainting or running off stage. And people really enjoyed it. I can't tell you how good it feels to set out to make people laugh and you actually succeed. Man, that's awesome!

xXx

Having a chest that more closely resembles a couple of aspirin than anything of the mammary persuasion, I needed something. A Natural Bra was that thing. It’s not that I needed the support but I just don’t like the idea of my shirt lying flush against my breastbone and don’t see nipples as being the new earrings so I needed a cover and plump. So I bought them and the first thing I did when I got home was try them on. For those unfamiliar with such delusions of grandeur, they’re similar to the hormone-injected chicken breasts you can buy at the grocery store with rubber cement smeared on one side minus the freezer burn.

I reveled in the fact that, once clasped, I had what I would call cleavage. Granted, if I didn’t finagle the girls just right, not only would I get the standard cleavage line but I would also get this alternate route crease that rode along the inner edge of my right boob. To remedy the fork in the boob, I would have to pull one off to the side, stretch it across my boob and clamp, all this while watching in the mirror so I didn’t end up with one on my shoulder or something. Although the right one needed to get stuck practically under my armpit to compensate for it’s lack of size.

When you’re big you have a cantaloupe and a slightly smaller cantaloupe but stuff those fun bags in a bra and no one is any the wiser. When you’re small it’s like the difference between an apple and a plum (I would have gone with a plum and a prune but I don’t want people to think I have a mutant shriveled boob or anything…I don’t) and when you’re working with stick-on tits that difference is magnified even more. While the left one is positioned nicely, plumped up all pretty, the right one is finagled halfway around my back in a feeble attempt to mimic the same bongo on the right but only being ¾ the size. When they’re clipped in the middle, the right one is pulled so far off that it causes the left to start sliding, physical proof that the dual A/B size was created by the same sadist that made the two cookie Fig Newton serving. Forty-five minutes of external augmentation later, I finally have them fixed so that I can get dressed without looking like a Picasso. The Press-On Boobs aren’t going anywhere…that is until I start to sweat.

Apparently the sticky stuff likes to create a little booby Slip ‘N Slide for itself at any sign of moisture. Dancing, drinking, thinking about tropical locations, will all result in tectonic tit movement. Like discretely removing a wedgie, I often had to slyly press the boobs back onto my skin, most often under the guise of crossing my arms, my back to a wall, and feeling myself up. But, if those wonder titties are used often enough, the glue will start to peel off in booger-like clumps, more often than not sticking to your skin when you remove them. Try explaining the snot-like substance to your boyfriend when you didn’t notice it but he ended up sticking a finger in it.

The stick-on tits made their final appearance, and pre-mature departure, when I was in New York City to see a comedy show at Lincoln Center. It was November but unseasonably warm. While on Jersey Transit into Manhattan, I had some moderate slippage that resulted in me having to hold them in place and sit with my winter peacoat over me until I could properly readjust. I was good when I got to Penn Station, when I met up with my friend, but when we started walking to find a restaurant, I felt it slide for the last time but before I could catch it, the left tit slipped and flopped against my stomach.

My outfit for the night? A knee-length black skirt and a sheer, sleeveless, black shirt. We’re not talking ‘sheer under the right lighting.’ It was sheer for Helen Keller. It was very classy with the stickies on, nice and seamless, but with one slippery piece of silicone dangling down to my naval and one very exposed nipple, I looked like something out of a radioactive trailer park.

Quickly finding a nice (dark) restaurant, I barreled to the bathroom to try and salvage my dying ta-tas. Luckily enough, I had a tube of sock glue on me. Why? Not only was the shirt sheer but hung low-cut as well. I had strategically glued it so I wouldn’t have any plastic booby slips. Nearly glueless teetons in hand, I applied the sock glue over the cutlets and tried to reattach. Ironically enough for me, the sock glue and snot glue actually counteracted each other, making both glues moot. On top of my bionic flopping tits, a black fuzz line had formed on my chest because I refashioned the shirt too many times. Now that I more closely resembled a teetless chimpanzee than the classy dame I was before I got on the train, I tossed the born-again Stick-No-Mores in the bin, waving the white flag of flatchestedness.

I figured that it would be dark inside Lincoln Center anyway and no one would notice. Well, yes, where the comedians performed was dark. The lobby, however, was fluorescently lit, exposing my chest bone with nipples to anyone with nominal vision. I’m sure some people were wondering why a ten year old boy was in a skirt but what else could I do? Wrapping toilet paper around myself would have been a little too conspicuous and people might have thought that I had a tendency to self-mutilate my nipples if I used band-aids. Not wanting to back out on my ticket nor sweat under a jacket, I did what any half-naked woman in a public situation would do. I said screw it and wore my aspirins proudly. Funnily enough, one of the acts made mention of a nipple-toting twentysomething strutting around the Center. My friend couldn’t keep her mouth shut and now the spotlight guy is on my ‘dead to me’ list. The A-Cup Experience was the first of it’s kind at Lincoln Center…and probably the last. Now they check for underwires at the door.

A Field Guide to Monsters by Dave Elliott

First published in 2004.

All works of non-fiction these days claim to be the "definitive" this, the "essential" that, or the "ultimate" the other. This guide, however, truly is essential, for the information contained within these pages may well save your life. This ESSENTIAL, ULTIMATE, DEFINITIVE guide is the most comprehensive tome ever put together on the subject of monsters. Within these pages lie the secrets to many of the monsters that are still at large today. Whether you are a monster watcher or monster hunter, you will find these entries invaluable.

We cover their height, weight and other vital statistics: their origins, their habitats, their eating habits (watch out Tokyo), and even their breeding patterns (those that have them). We also cover the following:

Behavior: Through careful comparison you can find out if your next-door neighbor, schoolteacher, boss or even parent is truly what they seem.

Lethality: Discover which creatures are even more dangerous than secondhand smoke, non-saturated fats, and excess carbs.

Weaknesses: If you're going to protect yourself from the forces of evil you MUST know not only how to protect yourself, but how to send the forces of darkness back where they belong (and we're not talking train tickets here).

Powers: Who can do what to whom and how: The when's, the where's, the why's and the what with's. (book back blurb)

Gotta love them bargain bin finds. And you usually get these good ones right around Halloween. I love Barnes and Noble. I really do.

Aside from being heinously inaccurate (I mean, to say the guy mutilated the Lost Boys section is an understatement), it's actually a pretty funny read. I don't know if the mistakes were intentional or a result of an "I don't give a shit" attitude but the snarky comments partially made up for it. So the guy can't tell the difference between Medus and a Hydra. Is that any reason to mark it against him? O_o

Nevertheless, it's a good handbook to have if you ever decide to take on the forces of evil, or attempt to shave a werewolf's back. Knowing where just to poke them to have them on the ground in a fetal position is vital. I would highly recommend backup material though because, like I said, at times the author couldn't tell his ass from his elbow and I wonder if this guy is really working for the other side and intentionally trying to screw us all over. Bastard.

I think the author fed his editor to Godzilla or something too because damn. A ten-year-old wouldn't have missed some of the stylistic errors I found. Sheesh.