Vampire Taxonomy by Meredith Woerner + Contest!

Published November, 2009

Whether you accept it or not, the world is overrun with vampires - behind you in line at the store, "living" in the house next door, walking their undead dogs. Not content to live quietly in the shadows, they appear blatantly in every medium from television and movies to books and comics. With so many different species running amok, it's hard to know whether the next vamp you meet will want to marry you or have you for dinner. With this guide, however, you can easily identify which type of bloodsucker you're dealing with and how best to approach (or avoid) it by understanding:

• Physical Attributes: Recognize each type of immortal with fang diagrams, dissections of the vampire anatomy, and other helpful classification tools.
• Habitat: Does it venture out in the day (and look awfully sparkly when it does) or board up the windows in mysterious manor houses?
• Demeanor: Is it a brooding loner waging a never-ending struggle against the temptation of human blood, or a carefree creature with a biting wit who views the world as its own personal blood buffet?
• Weaknesses: Crosses, sunlight, cutting off heads - what will do the job?
• Cultural Assimilation: Prime yourself with the appropriate response to any situation you may find yourself in with someone "long in the tooth."

Read this book and when the vampires come calling, be prepared with either your heart on your sleeve or a stake in your hand. (book back blurb)

What made this book stand out for me against all the other vampire guides out there was the fact that Meredith Woerner is a Lost Boys fan. Hello! When her publicist sent me Meredith's author blurb I pretty much went, "send me nao." Must read. I was hesitant, however, because of the mention of Twilight on the back of the book. But lo, how happy I would become as I actually cracked the book to read.

First and foremost, what I especially liked was how all the different vampire movies and books were classified as different vampires. It didn't lump everything into one fang and give you general guidelines on what to do with them. Not only are there the Romantic, Villainous and Tragic vampires (all three present in nearly every vampire story) but there are different species and various types of evolution as well. Like you have the bat-like vampires of The Lost Boys and then you have those ugly pseudo-Alien things from Blade II. Actually, those more closely look like Predator. But you know what I'm talking about, right? Anyway, Woerner is thinking like how I've thought for over a decade, in varying species, not just one set of vampires, and I love that. They all exist simultaneously and, like humans, they adapt to their various lifestyles. Great minds think alike and all of that.

Love number two, while Woerner was attempting to be impartial on the glittering aspect of certain vampires, I think (through my rather clouded eyes) that its fairly obvious that she's not keen to what she calls "The Sparkle Factor" -

As of late, there has been great debate surrounding the sunlight factor and its effect on the epidermis of a vampire: yes, we're speaking of the "real vampires don't sparkle" controversy surrounding the Twilight series.

So, do some vampires sparkle in the sun? Because most pop culture myths have some basis in historical fact, it's a possibility. But in the end it's difficult to say. There are no ancient myths of glittering vampires, although we do know that some species of vamps can freely stroll about in the daytime. The stance on sparkle is going to have to remain in the air until more than one pop culture outlet can agree that vampires have mutated, evolved, or always retained the glimmering ability.

AKA, only the Twitards actually believe that vampires sparkle (interpretation mine). Don't get me wrong. Woerner is a total vampire professional. There is no sparkle bashing of any kind in this book. In fact Twilight is cited numerous times and the Cullens (and Volturi and those nomadic vampires) do make appearances throughout the book for not only their appearance but for their demeanor. So please don't think this book is a knock on Twilight. Not at all. But I do think that the book does consider the "vampires" of Twilight kind of like the vegetarians that only eat fish. Not quite there.

Probably some of my favorite parts of the book (really, they're all my favorites) were the "Known Specimens" at the end of each chapter where it plugs true form pop culture references into the explanations that were given in that chapter. For example, the "Villainous Vampires" chapter breaks these evil doers down into varying degrees of villainy -

Big Bad (known from BtVS the TV show and which describes those vamps that want pretty much the total destruction of the human race) which has examples like Lothos (BtVS the movie), Max (The Lost Boys), Jon Valek (John Carpenter's Vampires) and Murlough (Cirque du Freak).

Anger-Issues Immortals are the trigger happy vampires that'll drink your blood from your cracked open skull in the middle of Times Square. They include Severen (Near Dark), David (The Lost Boys), James (Twilight) and Deacon Frost (Blade).

Beautiful But Deadly which is pretty self explanatory and those include Santiago (IWTV), Countess (Once Bitten), Diamondback (Near Dark) and Miriam Blaylock (The Hunger).

Perfectly Terrible Gentlemen include the likes of Bela Lugosi's Count Dracula and then there are the All-Around Undead Jerks wherein Amilyn from the BtVS the movie falls in.

Absolutely awesome, I say. Woerner cites heavily from the likes of The Lost Boys, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (moreso the TV series and the comic), Near Dark and older films like Carmilla and Nosferatu and it's a must for any vampire fan. It's perfect for that new-found vampire lover that may be looking to broaden their horizons on the fang front or the seasoned nocturnal nommer that'll squee with glee at all the old school love in this book. Really a great read, very funny, very snarky and damn, does Woener know her stuff. Not only does she cite pop culture at the drop of a hat but she knows her mythology as well. Wicked.

So if you're looking for some intelligent yet satirical vampire education, be sure to pick up this book. It may just save your life.

Contest Time!!!

The publisher has kindly offered up two copies of this fabulous book to two lucky readers! You want one? Here's what you have to do -

Comment with your email and answer the following question -

What's your vampire type of vampire and why? (ETA - You don't have to choose from a category above. Create your own or just describe your favorite type of vampire that you've come across if you like.)

No answer, no entry. Period.

+4 for current followers
+3 for new followers
+3 for telling me your favorite vampire movie and/or book and why
+3 for linking (up to 3 links for a total of +9)

This contest is open to US residents only and will end on Decembter 29th at midnight, EST! Good luck everyone!