The Vampire Hunter's Handbook by Rafael Van Helsing

First published in 2007.

Two centuries have passed since Abelard Van Helsing penned his guide to hunting demons, and the name Van Helsing has become known and feared throughout Hell. The generations of Van Helsings have beaten back the rising tide of evil, the last of Abelard's line knows nothing of his awful destiny until he comes face to face with a Royal vampire bent on his destruction.

Using the secret library at Carthage, Raphael Van Helsing learns of the strict vampire hierarchy - the lineage through which the blood of their Lord Vampyr is passed. Most frightening of all he discovers their demonic rites in the Book of Vampyr and the prophecy of a world governed by vampires who will one day summon up their dark Lord.

The Vampire Hunter's Handbook outlines in graphic detail the skills and strategies needed to dispatch all forms of this cursed breed while chronicling Raphael's personal fight with the vampire who is hell bent on exterminating the Van Helsing line. (book back blurb)

Perhaps “cute” isn’t the word to use to describe this book considering it’s topic but it’s what keeps coming to hind. “Handy” might be another good one.

This is another one of my Barnes and Noble bargain bin finds that I saw and just had to grab. It was right before Halloween after all. It’s a Barnes and Noble novelty book published I’m guessing for the season, really written by Martin Howard and then labeled as being written by a Van Helsing. I love the camp of it all!

What I love most about it, though, is the take on vampires it has. I’m not a fan of the Nosferatu-type vampire that’s all sorts of ugly. I like me my sexy vampires with the heart of black. I believe in the whole “prey attracted to predators” thing and if a vampire looked like the dude on this cover, there’d have to be some serious mild-melding going on because that face would make a mother run away screaming.

And there is. Serious mind manipulation with these vampires. It touches on the whole vampires turning into mist and bats and such and plays it off as just really good mind games, that vampires can’t really do that but their control over you is so powerful that you’ll be convinced that’s what you saw.

These vampires are spawned from one Lord vampire created by the devil himself and there are hierarchies of vampires–from the lord to royals to nobles to vampires to slaves, the powers dwindling down the line as well at the freakish faces.

Some of the tools that the vampires use are also pretty inventive, including the neck tap. It’s a tight fine metal collar affixed around the victim’s next who's hung upside down, and it pierces his or her jugular. The piercing is attached to a small faucet that can be turned on and off at will and used as a sort of draught. Very inventive. I’d never seen anything like that before.

And while I wasn’t fond of the whole Bucky Beaver teeth that they had (the two front ones were elongated), I liked the fact that they acted as siphons and were, in fact, hollow with ports running straight into the throat via the sinus cavity. Very cool, especially the diagram.

It’s a fun book to have if you’re a vampire freak like me and the illustrations are amazing. I’d recommend buying it just for those, if nothing else. I’d really like to see this little world expanded though. It just touches on everything, including the journal that we’re supposed to be reading from. It leaves me wanting more and there wasn’t all that much to take to begin with, really. Just enough.

How To Live with a Neurotic Dog by Stephen Baker

First published in 1994.

You think your life is crazy. Try looking at the world through your dog's big melting brown eyes. If your dog is neurotic (and what dog isn't these days?), consider these helpful pointers:

*Don't interrupt your dog's naps - remember, he needs your bed far more than you do.

*Don't force your dog to play fetch just because you feel like it - keep in mind his busy schedule too.

*Never bark orders at your dog. "Please" and "thank you" work wonders with the neurotic dog.

*Give your dog a canine personality quiz - it's the first step before starting him in a full-fledged psychoanalysis.

*If all else fails, feed him! (book back blurb)

Read this book and you’ll get an idea of what’s it’s like every day of my life. My cousin gave it to me for my birthday (in May), part as a gag but really because everyone knows just how cracked out my dog actually is. He’s not a bad dog, he’s just hiding a little doggy bag of cocaine in his crate. Even if your dog isn’t as insane as mine, you’ll still get a kick out of this book.

Some of the drawings, by Fred Hillard, are just absolutely hilarious and eerily relatable. All they were missing was a picture of a twelve pound MinPin stepping on a person’s throat in the morning in lieu of an alarm clock. That’d be the start of my day.

Although one bit certainly hit the nail on the head–

The early riser wakes with the sun and welcomes the day with a burst of enthusiasm. He likes to share his feelings with others. Having done so, he promptly goes back to sleep.

I can’t tell you how many times my little bastard’s done that, not only during the week but on the weekends as well. He gets up, all excited, can’t stay still, wants to get out, wants to get out, wants to get out. I let him out, feed him and start doing my thing because I’m wide freakin’ awake. Where does he go? Back upstairs, under my blankets and goes back to sleep for an undetermined amount of time.

Unfortunately the book was blissfully lacking in chapters on extreme chewing (not just on the wussy chewing they broached, my dog destroys Kongs, just so you know what I'm dealing with here, and just to remind you, he's a Miniature Pinscher) and peeing on my bed out of spite. I would have liked to have known the author’s take on such a dilemma. Trainers said it was his "teen" years. Yeah, well, I didn't pop a squat on my mom's bed when she wouldn't let me have the car, now did I?

Overall, a cute read, definitely worth the half hour it took for me to get through it. It’s also rather therapeutic; making me laugh at my dwindling stockpile of shoes and blankets that more closely resemble Swiss cheese. It’s more of an insane laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

And now I leave you with some images of my very own neurotic dog. You can call him Malfoy . . .

No I didn't destuff my own comforter and yes, that is a bobble head Jesus my dog is chewing on. Do you have a neurotic dog?